Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.
Emotions! When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place.
“traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hid from their selves." Besel Van Der Kolk
As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It's like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered.
From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert)
Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this,
“You can choose happiness right now!”
“It's alright, you just need to keep going.”
“You need to focus on positive things.”
“Just be positive.”
“You’re so lucky that _________ didn’t happen to you.”
And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." That's from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.)
In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things.
Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it.
Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It's easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be.
Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face.
Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.)
In regards to honoring emotions vs. indulging in emotions: Dr. Jonice Webb quote “Honoring an emotion involves sitting with it, accepting it and trying to understand it. For some emotions, going through the process of honoring it is enough to make it tolerable.”
Dr. Webb then goes on to talk about some people being stuck at this point and talks about moving towards action.
To hear more details, please listen to the entire episode. Let’s heal together. XO Jeni
SOURCES:
The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)
Emotions Aren’t Good Or Bad, They Just Are by Anna Gragert
Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast)
Mourn With Those That Mourn- Hope Works Video
Scriptures about Jesus cleansing the temple: John 2: 13-16
Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast)
Amy Andrus Video On the Feelings Wheel
The Difference Between Honoring an Emotion and Indulging In It by Jonice Webb PhD
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