Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Take a breath, have courage and let go.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: You're listening to Relational Trauma sos Formerly Betrayal Trauma sos Trauma Survivors Belong Here.
[00:00:18] Speaker A: No longer asking if I'm too much I know I was always more than enough no chains, no cage Just sky above and a life I finally love.
[00:00:32] Speaker B: Love.
[00:00:34] Speaker A: So I fly, fly, fly Past the heart, past the goodbye with the wind in my chest and fire in my eyes I fly, fly, fly.
[00:00:53] Speaker B: Higher.
[00:00:53] Speaker A: Than every single light.
[00:01:00] Speaker B: Welcome. If you enjoyed that intro music, stay tuned because we will play the entire song for listeners later in this episode. If you're tuning in, it's likely that you have been patiently waiting for about four years for a new episode. I'm the host of this podcast and my name is Jenny Brockbank.
When my team and I were discussing the possibility of doing a podcast, I went and looked at statistics for this podcast and was surprised, excited, humbled that even though I haven't posted in about four years, people are still listening from around the world. I'm humbled and blessed to have you here.
It's been a while so I will reintroduce myself, explain some shifts, get personal and connect again. My name is Jenny Brockbank, I'm a mother of six, I love the color red and I thoroughly enjoy healing in community.
I'm also the new Executive Director of a non profit organization called Her Wings Unfold which is now producing this podcast. A lot has happened during the four years since I last posted an episode and I will do my best to paint an overall picture.
First life became incredibly intense and while I won't share all of the details today, I will hit some highlights for an overview.
Before I hit the hard things though, I'll share something really positive and that is that I wrote a book and this podcast will be non denominational. The book I wrote was not though. It is called Healing in Christ from Patterns of Sexual Betrayal. And why this is important to today's podcast episode is because in that book I have just a little section on 4A behavior and if you don't know what 4A behavior is, I'll explain it here. It's basically experiencing another's abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment.
People started responding about that section. Even though the whole book was basically written about betrayal and healing from the trauma of it, that one section stood out to multiple people and so I started to realize, you know what? For me it was also validating and I wanted to take a more zoomed out approach while my life became incredibly distressing. I can say that I have experienced all four of the forays I was affected have been affected by another's abuse, addiction, adultery and abandonment and as such I founded a non profit organization called Her Wings Unfold and was recently made the Executive Director.
I'll explain a little more about Her Wings Unfold later in this episode and until then I will briefly state that Her Wings Unfold caters to women who have experienced another's abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment.
In case audience members are curious about what has gone on with me personally, I will share that while I have seen amazing things happen with marriages in the recovery realm, my own experience was sadly different and I ended up filing for a protective order against my husband and soon after for divorce. That was about two years ago. It's been a wild ride and I now better understand post separation abuse having lived it in multiple ways. I'll share one way for an example in case audience members might relate Due to terrifying behavior from my soon to be ex husband, I had three of six children who were hospitalized within a year and a half for suicidal issues.
I had full custody of one of the suicidal children who needed nearly constant supervision and this made employment outside of my home nearly impossible.
So when we went to sell our home there was plenty of money for me to have some of it to relocate.
However, my understanding is that my soon to be ex husband wanted full custody, which he felt like he could gain if I was homeless. So he petitioned the court to have all of the money from the sale of our home placed in escrow, which essentially made me and my children homeless.
Something amazing happened though, and this often happens right when we have heartbreaking, awful situations is that the community really came together for me and my children and through crowdfunding like a GoFundMe plus other assistants, we were able to make it through that very rough experience and now have stable housing in a safe neighborhood. I will say though, it did change me. It was intense. It was hard. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through and I have so much empathy for people fleeing abuse.
However, when I posted a thank you note on Facebook to those who had helped me and my children not be homeless, someone hacked my Facebook account and on that post where I had said thank you, they replaced the picture that I had posted and posted a picture of me and my husband together and this made it look like I had tricked people into helping us financially and that we had been together.
I only know one person with a motive for this.
That Facebook account has since been shut down and I can't recover it. But honestly I cannot quantify the damage that this has done.
I will also state that during the last four years, my eyes have been ripped wide open as to how families, courts, churches and other systems can not only drop the ball for survivors, but can also make things much, much worse.
I've seen family validate and backup abusive behavior while not holding the perpetrator accountable. A personal example of how this occurred in my own situation is that during a hearing for which I was seeking a protective order after testifying about multiple terrifying events, family members stood up and stated that I didn't need a protective order.
Thankfully, the judge disagreed.
I've heard officials state that they believe it's a parent's right to have custody of their children without any mention that it should be a child's right to have safety. I've had courts back up the perpetrator and make decisions that are not in the best interest of the children.
In my own situation, the court removed my children from the protection of the protective order after only four months, while the protection was still afforded to me. To me, it stands to reason that if I needed protection, then so did my children.
While I experienced amazing support from people who supported me and my children through crowdfunding, which kept us from being homeless and from experiencing severe custody issues, I also had pushback on the crowdfunding campaign from loved ones. I was accused of having the campaign because I was bitter, while empathy was voiced towards my soon to be ex husband because the campaign shined a public spotlight in a very limited way, by the way, on his actions and people came to know parts of what he did.
My eyes are wide open that as a society we can do better.
Survivors deserve better.
They were already victimized once. Let's not victimize them over and over and over again.
Thus the shift in this program from betrayal trauma SOS to a wider lens of relational trauma SOS that is now produced by her wings unfold Betrayal trauma will still be addressed. And in addition, we find that if there is one element of four a behavior, remember abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment in a relationship, then there are likely other elements as well. And I'll just take betrayal trauma for instance. So for instance, if someone is experiencing sexual betrayal, they might also be experiencing gaslighting, which is the form of emotional abuse. It's possible that their partner might be participating in betrayal so much that it's become an addiction. So now we would have right, Abuse, addiction, adultery, and then their partner might become so disconnected from the relationship and or so engaged in their destructive behaviors that they are abandoning their partner emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment are typically comorbid in various ways, and comorbid means they exist together. By the way, through this podcast and other efforts, we want to reach out and offer resources for survivors of power imbalances so that survivors know that they are not alone, they're not crazy, and hope and healing happen.
The truth is that when one person in a relationship engages in abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment, it's no longer an equal playing ground.
We risk harming survivors when we approach those situations, asking them why they didn't leave or what their part in the chaos was. To be clear, survivors are not perfect. No one is. However, before we address how a survivor did or didn't respond, let's first let them know that we believe them and then thoroughly address the imbalance of power that comes when someone perpetuates abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment again. 4. A behavior One example of why there is an imbalance of power is because something that's fairly universal to destructive behaviors is that they are typically performed in secrecy.
Those who have been victimized are not afforded the truth to make informed decisions because the truth was hidden from them, sometimes even for decades at a time.
In addition to offering empathy and real support, we want to learn with and eventually offer advocacy and education for family systems, courts, churches, therapists. Really, anyone who plays a role in situations where there has been abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment. As a society, we need to do better and we can do better and we really can learn.
What I can say is that even though I have walked through hell's fire, I have come out with a brightness of hope.
I joined the ranks of others who paved the way to know what it is like to be victimized by a perpetrator and then by systems, while also being able to say with surety that trauma survivors can come to experience joy, connection, healing and a sense of safety, which usually come over time and not all at once.
Even though that's really, really hard sometimes.
Those who have experienced severe situations are often some of the most compassionate and innovative human beings because they are uniquely qualified to understand and to come up with solutions. Real solutions that really work.
I'm really excited to tell you about one solution that has helped me a great deal, and that is putting time, energy and resources into helping others.
My latest project is the honor of being the executive director of a new nonprofit called Her Wings Unfold. Her is an acronym for Heal, Empower and Rise.
I'd love to briefly tell you about it.
We are a nonprofit organization whose mission is to help women who have experienced another's abuse, addiction, adultery and or abandonment. So for a behavior we do this in various ways such as with advocacy and an initiative that we are thrilled about is, dare I say revolutionary is our brand new trauma sensitive 12 step program called TS12 Anon.
I am really excited to tell you more about this new program which I will do in greater detail in the next episode. If you have time to listen to it today then awesome. It's being released at the same time as this episode. We hope that you will join us for truly Trauma Sensitive Healing and that is gentle yet empowering.
The only cost to attend meetings is the literature which I will link in the show notes along with a link to find a meeting.
We have amazing plans for Her Wings Unfold that include this podcast advocacy, low or no cost healing retreats for survivors, care packages, etc. We hope to have a physical location that will house our offices, host trauma sensitive 12 step meetings and we are dreaming about things in that space like therapeutic yoga, art therapy courses and courses also on helping women generate sustainable income for their families.
[00:14:02] Speaker A: She's learning to breathe in the light of the day she's rising with strength forged from sorrow and flame she's walking through fire with a heart made of gold she's done being caged and her.
[00:14:20] Speaker B: Wings Unfold we invite you to partner with us in these endeavors not only to help women rebuild their lives, but to help rewrite what healing support looks like for survivors of deep relational harm.
At Her Wings Unfold, we believe that healing should be accessible, responsible, compassionate, affordable to everyone, and rooted in dignity. We're here to help women heal, empower and rise. And we can't do it without you.
Whether you listen, share, follow Her Wings Unfold and Relational Trauma SOS on Instagram Sign up for our newsletter Donate or get involved. You can be a part of creating a world where every woman knows you belong here.
So before I leave, we want to play a new song called Learning to Fly and you heard it in the intro. If you love it, which we hope that you do, it should be available for purchase on all of the regular platforms very soon. All proceeds from the sale of the song will go to Her Wings Unfold.
Thank you again for keeping this podcast alive.
Thank you for sharing it and for just being here.
Without further ado, Learning to Fly I.
[00:15:45] Speaker A: Trace my worth in someone else's eyes Chasing love that never saw my light they call me too much or not quite enough Wore their lives like a glove Whispers in the hallway, secrets in the dark I carried blame that wasn't mine to start Thought if I was stronger maybe they'd stay but they took what they wanted and walked away Cry, cry, cry, cry Underneath the stars that wouldn't reply Tried to hold it in But I broke inside yeah, I cry, cry, cry like it could rewrite the reasons why One day I found a mirror with softer glass Saw a girl who weathered every storm and crash Started speaking, speaking truth even when it shook Turn the page, close their book I stitched my soul with golden thread Listen close to what my silence said.
[00:17:18] Speaker B: I.
[00:17:18] Speaker A: Stood on the edge Heart open wide whisper maybe maybe now's the time so I'd cry, cry, cry for the girl I had to leave behind for the dreams that died before their time yeah, I cried, cry, cry Grief and hope tangled in the same line.
[00:17:52] Speaker B: I thought.
[00:17:53] Speaker A: The fall would break me but it carved out space to grow Every echo, every aching Taught me what I didn't know that sometimes healing starts slow.
[00:18:10] Speaker B: Take.
[00:18:10] Speaker A: A breath, have courage and let go Now I'm dancing on a skyline dream Wings stitched from every broken seam I touched the clouds, laugh through the blue did the one thing they said I couldn't do no longer asking if I'm too much I know I was always more than enough no chains, no cage Just sky above and a life I finally love so I fly, fly, fly Past the hurt Past the goodbye with the wind in my chest and fire in my eyes I fly, fly, fly Higher than every single light.
[00:19:14] Speaker B: We invite you to subscribe to this podcast and to please give it a review of five stars so that more survivors can have access to hope and healing.
We invite you to follow relational trauma SOS and her wings unfold on Instagram.
[00:19:29] Speaker A: So I fly it's my fly Past the hurt, past the goodbye with the wind in my chest and fire in my eyes I fly higher than every single light.
[00:19:55] Speaker B: You belong here.
