Episode 9: How To Shine Your Light So That Others Can See

Do you want to learn to communicate more effectively, and don't know where to begin.

All who are seeking to learn communication skills will likely find things of worth in today’s episode. While this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode is geared towards helping those who are struggling with betrayal trauma learn better ways to communicate, most things can be applied to many different scenarios. 

Sometimes we have a message to convey that is very important to us, but it's as if we hit a wall when we try to communicate it.  

Have you ever felt highly elevated when faced with a hard conversation?  I know that I sure have.  Hard things are going on with our bodies, and this can happen to anyone. 

The basis of this episode stems from a talk given by Bonnie H. Cordon in the April 2020 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

She talked about a time when her family hosted an apostle named Elder L. Tom Perry when she was 10 years old.  Late that night her mother asked if she had fed the chickens, and her cute response was that maybe the chickens should fast that night.  She didn’t want to leave the company of the apostle.  Of course that wasn’t acceptable, but Elder Perry had heard the exchange and offered to accompany her, along with his son to feed the chickens.  

She ran ahead and after jumping over the irrigation ditch that she was use to encountering. Elder Perry hadn't been able to follow her light. He stepped right into the irrigation ditch.

She says, "I was shining my light but not in a way that would help Elder Perry. Now, knowing that he needed my light to safely navigate the path, I focused the flashlight just ahead of his steps and we were able to return home with confidence.”

 I am learning that I can do my best to show up to hard conversations and can navigate them better when I employ communication skills.  I’m still a work in progress, and what I share today is from my own experiences and studies to improve my own communication skills. 

These 8 communication tools are what I am personally working on. More detail is provided in the podcast. Let's learn to communicate:

1. Understanding what we hope to accomplish with our conversation. When we are crystal clear with what we are hoping to accomplish, we can better stay on track in our conversations.

2. Organizing thoughts goes a long way.  When I take the time to organize my thinking before holding conversations, they tend to go much better.

3. Knowing I am of worth and that the other person is also of worth.  It is not humility to be less or more than what we were created to be.  It’s important to know that in God’s eyes we are on equal ground.  No matter our station, we are all important.  Internalizing this concept helps us to value not just our own thoughts, but those of others as well.  

4. Learning to be aware of our emotional state and use tools to stay grounded.  Whether we are highly elevated due to stress or trauma, becoming grounded can be a wonderful tool for being able to gain emotional stability and be able to re-engage in conversation from a more neutral place.

5. Consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of those you are communicating with.

6. Consider that their response is about them. Of course, this takes practice and is easier said than done. It’s ok to be a work in progress.

7. Consider boundaries in conversations. I’m planning a boundaries episode soon, so stay tuned for that.

8. Taking drama out of communication.  The goal is to stay out of drama as best as possible.  This is likely a lifelong pursuit and the more I dig, the more evidence I find regarding my role in drama.  It’s often very subtle and difficult to see.  The better I get at not engaging in drama, the healthier my relationships become.

This week’s meditation will be on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page later this week.  I want to give a shout out to my friends who helped me make this week’s meditation regarding letting our light shine, something that I love.  Special thanks to Arianna Rees, who is a therapist trained life coach and is the host of the With Real Intent Podcast, and Katy Willis, who has many qualifications in regards to meditation and yoga plus a multitude of other things, a genuine thank you.  

As I better learn to communicate,I have found many blessing. I would love to hear if any part of this week's Betrayal Trauma SOS episode has been beneficial in your life.

XOXO Jeni

SOURCES:

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma.  What is it?

Betraya Trauma SOS Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It 

Bonnie H. Cardon- That They May See

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (Affiliate Link)

Brene Brown mantra

Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, Mcmillan and Switzler (Affiliate Link)

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communications Guide) by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Affiliate Link)