Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Take a breath, have courage, and let go.
[00:00:08] Welcome to Relational Trauma SOS let's explore why you are worthy, right here, right now, of healing.
[00:00:19] Trauma survivors belong here.
[00:00:32] Higher in my eyes I fly, Fly Fle.
[00:00:47] Welcome. We love that you are here. We'd like to welcome new listeners from Germany, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and Ashburn, Virginia.
[00:00:59] Later on in this episode, I am so excited to tell you about a women's retreat for survivors that we hope will be free for those attending.
[00:01:08] Stay tuned so that I can share more about the upcoming retreat.
[00:01:13] Before we begin, I just want to acknowledge that healing conversations can be tender.
[00:01:19] So I'm wondering if each of us might do a simple body scan to see.
[00:01:24] Maybe is there somewhere in our body that's holding some tightness or some pain or tension, and is there anything that we can do to send love to that spot, to soften a bit?
[00:01:39] And maybe throughout this episode, each of us can take some little breaks and just make sure to check in with ourselves to see how are we doing emotionally, physically, physically, spiritually.
[00:01:51] Is there something that we can do in the moment to help ourselves?
[00:01:59] Today we are addressing why each of us is worth it.
[00:02:03] Why me and you, we're all worthy of healing right here, right now.
[00:02:10] Let's first take a moment to gently acknowledge what it can feel like in the aftermath of of experiencing someone else's abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment for a behavior.
[00:02:23] Maybe our world was turned upside down by someone who said they loved us and then hurt us.
[00:02:29] Maybe we were lied to again and again and again.
[00:02:34] Maybe we were caught in the chaos of someone else's addiction or left questioning what was real and what was manipulation.
[00:02:44] Maybe we discovered a betrayal that shattered our sense of trust, safety, identity.
[00:02:50] Or maybe we were emotionally or even physically abandoned, left to carry it all, left to wonder and spin in thoughts of what we believe we should have done.
[00:03:03] I say should with air quotes.
[00:03:06] We may find ourselves feeling like we're not enough, or like it must have been our fault.
[00:03:13] Or if we were just better, stronger, prettier, quieter, holier, etc. They might have stopped or chosen us, or maybe even chosen to stay.
[00:03:26] Or like we're constantly trying to manage the unmanageable while slowly losing ourselves in the process.
[00:03:35] We might feel crazy because the truth is hidden. And we might feel like we're constantly guessing. Many of us have experienced gaslighting, which can trigger us questioning reality in very painful ways.
[00:03:50] If you relate to any of this, I want to say something directly to you as if you were right here in my living room. With me, you are not broken, you're not too much and you're not too little, you're not crazy and you are no longer alone.
[00:04:14] You've likely been surviving in a situation you never asked for and that took so much dang courage.
[00:04:25] I'm going to use a word that I typically don't use and it's the word deserve.
[00:04:31] When I asked some recovery friends about the word deserve in relation to their healing, there was definitely discomfort.
[00:04:39] I get it. I relate.
[00:04:42] One friend stated, when I hear that I deserve or am worth something, I feel resistance based on what I perceive to be evidence from others behavior that it's untrue. I have trouble with the concept because a lot of people's actions gets interpreted by me as evidence that I am not worth time or effort, etc.
[00:05:07] Specifically about the word deserve. One recovery friend stated, when I am told what I deserve, I feel like I can bring up evidence to the contrary.
[00:05:19] Personally, I definitely relate with these women and also feel resistance with the word deserve.
[00:05:26] But also I think there's something to it and so I'm going to persist. And if people don't quite like the word deserve, you can replace it with something else. But these are the three things that I feel like survivors deserve.
[00:05:43] Survivors deserve to feel safe, survivors deserve to be whole, and survivors deserve to heal.
[00:05:54] This can feel complicated when we first start putting resources such as time or finances into our healing.
[00:06:01] And I'll start by sharing a couple of experiences that happened in my own life because there was so much resistance from me when I first started to heal.
[00:06:12] One example was right after a very painful discovery and I remember that my then husband and I were in the office of a clergy member and we knew we needed some financial help with therapy.
[00:06:29] But as I sat there thinking about the cost of therapy, how expensive it was, I just had this wash of shame come over me and I said, you know, this is what I think.
[00:06:42] I think this is expensive.
[00:06:44] What I was telling the clergy member, I think this is expensive and I think that any money towards therapy should just go to him and wow. To his credit, the clergy member looked at me and said, I think you need this too.
[00:07:01] And I did, I did. I think the concept though, and maybe some of you relate, is that well, if they get the help and if they are fixed, then I really don't suffer anymore.
[00:07:14] And come to find out, I believe actually some of the best healing comes is if both partners are getting help.
[00:07:24] Whether or not the marriage survives or not, it gives people the best chance and the Best chance at a really not just good marriage, but amazing marriage, if both partners catch on.
[00:07:41] I feel like, for me, I had to learn things like boundaries, which to me are an invitation for someone to step up and to say, okay, I can see this isn't okay. How can I make it so that you matter here?
[00:07:56] And if they don't choose to abide by boundaries or to honor them, it gives us information, and it gives us information sometimes to set boundaries that are not really an invitation. They're more of a line in the sand.
[00:08:14] Another example for me of when I did choose healing. But it really took a lot of mental energy to figure this out, more than I would like to admit to. But I had just started a group therapy program, and I had someone approach me. She said, you know, we're similar ages. We've got kids. You know, we've got a lot of things that are common here. And she said, I would love to walk with you or go to lunch or something like that.
[00:08:45] And I remember just thinking, oh, my goodness, I don't think I have time for that. I remember thinking, I'm working. I'm doing this group therapy thing. I am. I think I was. I was homeschooling at the time. That's right. Homeschooling kids. And I was even in college. And I just thought, I really can't do that. And I almost turned her down. Thankfully, though, in prayer, I had this feeling that I would be giving up an amazing gift.
[00:09:17] A really amazing gift. And thankfully, I did decide to develop that friendship. We started to walk. It became so important to my healing, and she was further ahead of me in healing. And, oh, my goodness, I learned so much from her. I still continue to learn from her. Consider her an amazing friend.
[00:09:40] And I really can't believe that I almost gave that away.
[00:09:45] And I kind of hate to say it, but I think a lot of the reason that I struggled to accept help or those beautiful resources was actually because I did not feel worthy of it. I didn't feel like I was worth it or deserving.
[00:10:02] And I've come to see that very, very differently.
[00:10:06] So for anyone else who might need the message that you are absolutely worthy of resources and healing, this is for you. Let's walk together.
[00:10:17] Let's start by acknowledging that it is a very human instinct to want to fix a situation.
[00:10:25] It's a very human instinct to want to fix somebody else.
[00:10:29] And honestly, it makes sense that this person is causing me so much pain and heartache. If their behavior would just get better, I would be Better as well. And it's hard to realize. It's like, well, I didn't do anything. I'm not the one who caused the problems. I'm not the one who has developed an addiction, or I'm not the one who has stepped outside of my marriage. I'm not the one who's done X, Y, or Z.
[00:10:58] And that all makes so much sense to me.
[00:11:03] And when we've been in these severe situations, I think it's hard to realize sometimes that maybe we're hurting more than we realize, that maybe dealing with some of these things require different tools and different ways of thinking.
[00:11:19] And maybe other people have answers for us that we don't have ourselves. At least not yet.
[00:11:26] Survivors often run ourselves ragged trying to control what was never in our hands.
[00:11:33] Sometimes the deepest heartbreak is realizing how much we gave, only to see that our love wasn't enough to change them.
[00:11:41] That's not because we weren't enough. It's because their healing isn't ours to carry.
[00:11:47] They have to choose it. If this resonates, if your soul feels tired, let's take a moment to breathe.
[00:11:55] Maybe soften your muscles, relax your face, your jaw.
[00:12:04] You've carried so much.
[00:12:08] Many of us might think, I'll be allowed to invest time and resources into healing once I've suffered enough, done enough, proved enough, forgiven enough, fixed everyone around me, fixed myself, made more money, lost weight, stopped feeling angry, etc. The thing is that even if we do reach the goal line, it somehow magically moves and there's more to do.
[00:12:33] But healing is not a gold medal for endurance.
[00:12:38] It's not something handed out only when someone else approves.
[00:12:42] It's not a reward for being good enough, resilient enough, or selfless enough.
[00:12:49] Every woman, every human being is worth healing.
[00:12:55] This is not entitlement.
[00:12:58] It's about inherent worth.
[00:13:01] Healing is not a prize to earn. It is a birthright.
[00:13:05] To say that healing is your birthright is to say this.
[00:13:09] You were always worthy of care, long before the betrayal, long before the abandonment, even if someone tried to convince you otherwise.
[00:13:22] Also, part of our birthright is that healing isn't a reward.
[00:13:27] It's a remembering, a return to what has always been ours.
[00:13:32] We don't have to earn it.
[00:13:34] We don't have to prove we're good enough to receive it.
[00:13:39] Each of us is worthy.
[00:13:42] And healing is your birthright, not because of what you've done, but because of who you are.
[00:13:51] This is a radical reframe. It invites us to remember we are enough. Right now, we are worthy right now.
[00:14:01] Our healing can begin right now. Not because we've earned it, but because we matter.
[00:14:09] So often we are just absolutely tired because we have tried to fix the situation, to fix others, to fix things.
[00:14:20] And it is so exhausting.
[00:14:24] You know the concept that you can't pour from an empty glass? Right.
[00:14:29] Let's think about this with the analogy of a garden. Gardens were never meant to grow in drought.
[00:14:36] We might keep wondering why nothing blooms, why joy feels distant or rest feels unreachable.
[00:14:44] Maybe it's because we've been trying to grow in a drought.
[00:14:48] Healing asks us to tend to our inner soil, to pull weeds of shame, to place boundaries between ourselves and the elements or people that scorch or uproot us, to soak up the rain instead of always giving it away.
[00:15:04] Not because we owe anyone a harvest, but because we deserve to feel and be alive.
[00:15:12] Yes, we can share our water and nutrients for a time, but if we never replenish, we begin to wither.
[00:15:20] Eventually the most generous garden can become barren if it's not replenished and cared for.
[00:15:28] I believe that healing can look different for everyone, that God can use different tools for everyone, and that we aren't restricted. So I'm just going to mention a few things and you know, maybe you're doing some of these things and maybe there's more to explore.
[00:15:46] So I'll just mention traditional ones and maybe some that aren't quite as traditional. The first healing modality I'll mention is therapy, but trust me on this, not just any therapy, trauma informed therapy, hopefully with people who have the credentials to prove that.
[00:16:06] Also, groups are so good.
[00:16:09] There's something about a group.
[00:16:11] It's hard and it's scary oftentimes to go to a group.
[00:16:15] But there's something so powerful about a group because there's others around us. All of a sudden we aren't alone. It lessens the shame. Somebody understands and somebody gets it. Oftentimes they can offer insights that we wouldn't have thought about because they live things as well.
[00:16:35] A healing group, of course that I will mention is TS12 and on groups and TS12 and on is new trauma sensitive. 12 steps is what it is. But it is powerful and it is absolutely beautiful. So if you'd like to give this a try, go to ts12nan.org and look for Find a meeting.
[00:16:57] They're free.
[00:16:59] The goal is that they're safe right now. They're survivor led. But also professionals can start groups as well.
[00:17:07] There's no fixing, just witnessing Support and healing.
[00:17:13] Something else that can be really important is safe friends and community.
[00:17:17] And I'll say this has to be done with caution.
[00:17:21] Typically we're fortunate enough to have one or two people who really, really understand and who get it. But that's not always the case and sometimes we have to set boundaries with, with friends and community.
[00:17:36] So that's why we say safe friends and community. We add the word safe. This would look like people who believe you, who don't minimize, and who will walk beside you.
[00:17:47] Something else that helps is creativity. And something that I learned is that when we're being curious or we're being creative, we're using a part of our brain that really I don't think that trauma functions. At the same time, it is like impressive. And I can tell for me when I'm on a good healing path because I can be more creative. And when I feel like I can't be creative, I can tell that I am really struggling and want to hold myself with a lot more compassion. Lately for me, I've been loving watercolors just so much, been watching YouTube videos, been learning. I love flowers. So I've been been working on flowers and learning to create some beautiful flowers. But it could look like writing, it could look like journaling or songwriting or dance.
[00:18:40] It could be crafting.
[00:18:42] And not for productivity. So not like some side business or something, but for expression.
[00:18:49] Also there's body centered healing.
[00:18:52] So breath work, yoga, somatic therapies, relearning safety in our own bodies. It's just so important.
[00:19:01] And body centered healing can really help with those sorts of things.
[00:19:07] Also spiritual connection can help. This sometimes takes some healing. I have yet to meet a survivor who, when they've dug deep, didn't find some kind of like, oh, that really hurt, you know, in some part of a relationship with their higher power, with God, was wounded in some way.
[00:19:28] This is in your own time and in your own way.
[00:19:31] It could be with God, it could be in nature, it could be in stillness.
[00:19:36] I have found my bedroom closet to be my sacred space. Sometimes it could be faith, it could be reading scripture, just whatever helps you feel held and connected in good ways with your higher power.
[00:19:53] One of my favorite modalities of healing is a retreat.
[00:19:57] There is something so powerful about going to a space where you're going to unplug, where you're going to just focus on healing and just focus on soaking in the next right thing or the moment or connection or whatever the retreat might offer.
[00:20:21] Last year I went to a retreat that was so beautiful.
[00:20:25] And I remember hearing somebody state that when they had pulled up they felt like there were angels there. And you know what? I think so too.
[00:20:34] And people don't have to agree with me, but I do believe that God is present in such spaces and that really when we have gathered together with the purpose and intent of focusing on healing, that there is something just profound and sacred and special about that.
[00:20:54] I do understand that a lot of the issue with retreats is that there is a cost barrier. I get it.
[00:21:02] And that's why we're trying to create a retreat with the help with partnering with others to make it so that survivors can attend this retreat for free.
[00:21:13] We're creating a trauma sensitive healing retreat for 25 women.
[00:21:18] A sacred space to rest, reconnect and begin to heal in safety and community.
[00:21:25] This will be a three day, two night retreat and will include a peaceful, private, Airbnb type property for rest and refuge.
[00:21:35] We'll have licensed therapists as presenters guiding us with compassion and care.
[00:21:40] There will be therapeutic art and creative expression to help reclaim power and voice.
[00:21:47] We'll have somatic experiences.
[00:21:51] Really we're hoping for trauma sensitive yoga to reconnect the body with safety.
[00:21:57] We'll have nourishing food. We'll have community that hopefully will last beyond the retreat and spaciousness to just be. This is not about fixing. This is about witnessing, nurturing and rebuilding. Because when a woman is given space to heal, her life begins to bloom again.
[00:22:19] The goal that we have, and that's on our hearts, is we're raising $15,000 to make this retreat possible.
[00:22:28] This will cover housing, food, presenters, supplies, scholarships for women who have experience 4A behavior. We invite you to sign up for updates about the retreat. Maybe you'd like to attend. If you're able to sponsor a survivor and to contribute to someone else's healing journey, you could share this opportunity with those who may need it or feel called to support.
[00:22:53] Some supporters, including some men, may feel drawn to donate as a way of making amends, honoring someone they love, or simply helping a woman heal.
[00:23:04] We believe that every survivor is worthy of healing.
[00:23:08] Not because she's been strong enough, not because she's done everything right, simply because she matters. Her healing matters and together we can help her reclaim it.
[00:23:19] Links will be provided in the show notes.
[00:23:23] Let's help her wings unfold.
[00:23:27] When we embrace healing as a birthright, it opens the door to receiving care from others, from ourselves, even from God. And really without guilt, or at least without as much guilt, especially as we practice self compassion.
[00:23:43] It Softens the perfectionism. It makes space for rest.
[00:23:48] And it honors humanity.
[00:23:52] I'd really love to close this episode with a meditation and we'll call this. She never left.
[00:24:01] There's a part of you that hasn't forgotten.
[00:24:05] The part that knows what it feels like to be safe.
[00:24:11] The part that remembers what it means to be seen without needing to perform.
[00:24:20] Please.
[00:24:22] Or prove she's still there.
[00:24:28] Quiet, maybe.
[00:24:31] Tired, yes, but not gone.
[00:24:37] She is not what they did.
[00:24:41] She is not the leaving, the lying, the betrayal, the hurting, the silence.
[00:24:55] She is steady, sacred, worthy.
[00:25:05] She hasn't disappeared.
[00:25:11] She didn't vanish the day she was hurt.
[00:25:16] She never stopped calling you home.
[00:25:21] She's not gone.
[00:25:24] She's just quiet.
[00:25:29] She remembers the feeling of safety, the amazing sensation of being safely held.
[00:25:45] She knows the truth of your worth.
[00:25:51] You don't have to dig to find her.
[00:25:54] You only need to listen.
[00:25:58] Listen now.
[00:26:01] Not to the shame, not to the shoulds, but to her.
[00:26:12] To the voice that says, you are worth this, still and always.
[00:26:26] If today's episode spoke to you, we invite you to take the next step with us.
[00:26:31] Check the show notes for links with details about our upcoming women's retreat. And if you feel inspired, consider helping make this healing space possible.
[00:26:42] So I fly, fly, fly.
[00:26:47] Past the hurt, past the goodbye.
[00:26:50] With the wind in my chest and fire in my eyes.
[00:27:00] Your support could be the reason a woman finds rest, connection, and the beginning of her healing journey.
[00:27:08] Trauma survivors belong here.
