Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Take a breath, have courage and let go.
[00:00:06] Speaker B: You're listening to relational Drama sos. Today we're discussing Healing While being Shot at.
[00:00:13] Speaker C: It's a survival guide.
[00:00:19] Speaker B: Trauma survivors belong here.
[00:00:21] Speaker A: So I fly, fly, fly Past the hurt, past the goodbye with the wind in my chest and higher in my eyes I fly, fly, flies higher than every single light.
[00:00:44] Speaker B: Welcome. We love that you're here. My name is Jenny Brockbank and I'm honored to be your host. Today we want to give a shout out to listeners from New Zealand, Highland Ranch, Colorado and Price, Utah.
Also, we've received some amazing feedback about the intro song that's called Learning to Fly and it's now available on all major platforms including Spotify, Apple music, Amazon Music, etc. We also have a lyric video of the song on YouTube.
We are brand new on all platforms and would love it if you'd follow us on our social media pages including YouTube links will be in the show.
[00:01:32] Speaker C: Notes.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: Right now there are women in your own community who are suffering.
Women hiding their pain, feeling trapped, who.
[00:01:44] Speaker C: Don'T know where to turn.
[00:01:47] Speaker B: We can change that, but we can't do it alone.
Through our Ten Strong Wings campaign, we're inviting listeners to give $10.
Your gift helps women in access, safe spaces, trauma sensitive resources, this podcast, a women's retreat, and so much more.
[00:02:07] Speaker C: It's quick, it's affordable, and it changes lives.
[00:02:10] Speaker B: Click the link in the show notes and help a woman heal.
Maybe someone in your own community.
[00:02:23] Speaker A: The day she's rising with strength forged from sorrow and flame she's walking through fire with a heart made of gold she's done being caged and her wings unfold.
[00:02:41] Speaker C: Oh, if you're listening, you're likely carrying a lot.
[00:02:46] Speaker B: Just want you to know you belong here.
Today's episode is called Healing While Being Shot at and I want to share how this episode title came about.
I remember I was sitting in my therapist's office and I was telling her how badly I wanted to feel healed and that I was so discouraged because I had had so much healing, so much therapy, so many groups, you know, lots of podcasts, books, whatever. I've. I've done a lot of that work and I was really discouraged because I was in a very hard situation and breath was hard and I thought, how did I get back to this point? How did I get here?
Her response was so quick and so compassionate.
She said, we don't expect soldiers to heal from PTSD while they're being shot at.
That really made me think and oh my goodness, did I Melt into the concept that it was okay that I was struggling.
So if you're struggling, you're walking through hell's fire. I just want to say it's okay if you're struggling, too.
In the script, in one of the TS12 and on meetings that I attend, I think it's fascinating that it talks about we can have PTSD or we can have active trauma, and some of us aren't even living in ptsd. It sure affects us, maybe, but we are living in an active figurative war zone. It's distressing, it's hard, it's painful, and.
[00:04:27] Speaker C: It is a very rough way to live.
[00:04:30] Speaker B: And as such, I'm sending love and empathy to anyone who relates with either of these.
And because a lot of times we're not dealing with something like a death or something like that, although some might be.
But if it's ongoing in a relationship that we're in, it's very tricky because it feels never ending. There is no end to the pain. It's like this cycle that just keeps going on and on.
And someday we may get to the point where we make stronger boundaries, but that's not always an option. And even leaving is typically more of a process than it is an event.
That's okay.
So I'm going to share some experiences with you briefly, where breath was hard, where even though I'd had significant healing, I was not thriving, I was not doing well. And I'll tell you that some are recent, and I'm just going to warn you now that some of this might be triggering. In fact, there's a mention of suicidal ideation.
So if that's an issue, you might want to fast forward a bit. My story will likely look very different than yours, but I hope that in some place you find yourself relating or something to even a little part of it so that you are invested. And here in the story with me, I don't really want this to be about me.
[00:06:00] Speaker C: It's about all of us.
[00:06:03] Speaker B: So the first example is one that many can probably relate with, and that was living with a partner in active addiction. And sometimes I didn't know, and maybe there was some denial in there that was probably helpful in some ways. But when I started to understand better what addiction was and how it was affecting my life and the instability, and it looks different for everybody, it was very, very intense.
It affected so many things. And because addiction thrives in secrecy and in lies, then I just never knew which way was up. And, oh, my goodness, was this a hard way to live for so many years.
And maybe you can relate.
Addictions, of course, can be behavioral, they can be substance based.
But whatever the case is, I think that as loved ones of someone with an addiction, we can all relate that it is so incredibly painful and hard.
And that brings me to number two. And number two is gaslighting.
And anybody who's dealt with destructive behaviors can likely relate with gaslighting. I can say that when I was consistently being gaslit, I didn't understand reality. I questioned myself constantly. I began to feel crazy. I questioned all sorts of things like my relationship with God and who I was.
And what I can say is gaslighting is incredibly destructive. And especially when done over long periods of time, at least for me. I lost myself and felt desperate. I felt alone, I felt isolated, I felt incredibly distressed and pretty much in a near constant state of distress.
The third example that I'll share is when my soon to be ex husband was suicidal and this period of time I remember I even wrote about it in my book about Basically I was curled up in a ball, not sure how to even breathe and begging God for breath.
It was so intense. I didn't function well.
I remember that for months afterwards my entire body was sore and I think it's because I spent an awful long time curled up in a ball, probably on and off for a few days. It was very, very intense.
The fourth one that I'll share is there had been some traumatic events. But as a result, and as I've shared previously, I did have to get a protective order and that to me was so difficult and challenging and hard and I have navigated that plus the divorce pro se. So representing myself, I like to say that it's me, God and ChatGPT though. ChatGPT I didn't figure out at the very beginning, so it took a bit to figure that out. But during those periods, breath has been incredibly difficult.
The next one that I'll share is that I had about a year and a half of crises after crises with my children and this was due to the fact that they had been exposed to some very severe and significant traumatic events.
Three of my children were hospitalized for such issues, two of them on multiple occasions, and two of them were also placed in day treatment programs.
And during this period, because my children were struggling so much, I had to homeschool them for a period of time.
For those who love homeschool, I have nothing against homeschool. It's just that when breath was hard and it was kind of placed in my lap, it was incredibly challenging at that moment.
The last one that I'll share is post separation abuse. And for any who relate with this, my heart absolutely goes out to you.
I would guess that several in this audience would relate and I will just say that I did not understand until I'm here, until I am experiencing it.
I have since read so many stories about post separation abuse and what that can look like.
I've previously shared that in my situation my husband petitioned the court so that all of the money from the sale of our home would be placed into escrow.
And because of the severity with my children being suicidal, I just wasn't able to provide for our family at that point and really needed the money in order to be able to move.
Thankfully, thankfully, thankfully, generous community, family, friends, compassionate strangers gathered around me, held me up and my children up and we were able to stay in motels and some hotels, but mostly, mostly this one motel and a few Airbnbs here and there for a couple of months until we could secure housing.
And can I just tell you the kind of. It just felt like my dignity had been ripped away not even having a home and having my husband who at one point loved me do something like that to me and my children.
What I can say is that during each one of these situations, during the, during all of these scenarios, breath was so incredibly hard. Sometimes functioning was hard, figuring out what to do was hard. Thinking through challenging circumstances was incredibly challenging for me.
And in fact, regarding the homeless situation which was just this last fall, it's really not been till May when I really threw myself into her wings unfold that I started to heal from a lot of that trauma.
So let's go back a little bit. You'll remember that I was telling my therapist that I felt like I should be more healed by now. Do you relate with that? That maybe you feel like you should be doing better? I think survivors are very good at doing this kind of thing and we can minimize the chaos because we've lived in it for so long and it's kind of normal to us.
What I've come to see is that it makes so much sense that our brains go there.
And also it's not helpful. Here's some validation. There's no right or wrong way to feel, period.
But especially when we're still being harmed.
And here's the thing, we can't shame ourselves into healing.
[00:13:16] Speaker C: At least I can't.
[00:13:17] Speaker B: I can kind of shame myself into some temporary changes, but not thorough, deep, beautiful, God centered healing.
It makes sense if you're struggling during crisis, it Makes sense if survival mode.
[00:13:32] Speaker C: Is where you are and it won't always be this way.
[00:13:39] Speaker B: I truly believe that each of us will have the opportunity to not only survive, but to someday thrive.
To truly have our wings unfold and to soar.
And also, it's okay if breath is hard during some seasons.
It's okay if we go through seasons that are bleak and there are cold and bitter winters.
The question is, how do we survive so that we can someday get to a place where we thrive. Today I decided to share how either I survived or wish I would have survived what seemed like never ending crisis after crisis. One of the things that I love about TS12 and on, for those who don't know what TS12 and on is, it's the first ever trauma sensitive 12 step program.
Step three though, it focuses on what we can do. And so I'm going to bring in some of the things from that, but also I'm going to bring in additional things.
So something that we can do is, number one, self compassion is key.
Our internal voice can really be an ally instead of an enemy.
We can learn to be gentle with ourselves and to hold ourselves in compassion and to say things like, oh my.
[00:15:02] Speaker C: Goodness, of course you're struggling.
[00:15:04] Speaker B: Look how severe this is.
How are you doing?
It makes sense.
One thing that I really love about TS12 and on is self compassion is woven throughout the entire book. I would guess that it's in every single step.
It is so critical in our healing. And for me at least, when self compassion, when I better learn to implement self compassion, my healing changed in some pretty dramatic ways.
I think it starts by just noticing when we do things like I did with my therapist, I should be more healed and could shift into things like, it makes sense that I'm struggling, it makes sense that I'm hurting and maybe even some compassion that it won't always be this way. It'll get better someday.
I don't know when, I don't know how, but it will get better.
Number two on our list of survival is soul care.
And I know someone who says soul care on steroids without apology. And I kind of have taken that phrase because I love it so much.
For me, I have to say, you know what? This is a necessity. This is not frivolous, It's a necessity. My nervous system cannot calm down without soul care.
And it can look different for everyone.
And soul care can definitely look different from moment to moment.
My best soul care ever is when I can see what is this need that I've got. And Meet the need.
When I look at it that way, it's not even selfish.
And people might say things like, oh, it's just bubble baths or whatever. And I just want to say sometimes my back really, really hurts or my muscles are very, very tense from trauma.
And something like a hot bath is more like a need.
Sometimes soul care might look like listening to a favorite song for a few minutes.
It might look like connecting with friends.
It might look like I need more water. I'm going to take good care of myself.
Care might look like therapy or journaling or chatting on the phone with a friend.
Or sometimes I've hit my overload limit and guess what, I'm going to watch a movie. It might look like I am exhausted. I need an app.
Really the question is, what is the need and to meet it and to make sure that we know this fits in with self compassion too, that we know that we are absolutely valuable and worthy of being taken care of.
Number three is lower the bar.
And I mean that, lower the bar. It's like, okay, if something like meals is wearing me out, I might buy a lasagna.
Or if cleaning stressing me out, I might buy paper plates.
Sometimes I might say, I need some time alone. I am going to let my children have extra screen time.
And during these periods of time when breath is hard, it's absolutely okay to say no to some things.
Number four is create at least one safe space.
And I know some people have to get very creative with this.
I started to understand this a little bit better when I had separated from my husband at one point.
And I made our room into something that just felt good and peaceful and safe to me. I cleaned it really well. I set up an area with, I think it had a little desk. I'm trying to remember exactly what, but I just remember it felt good. It felt like mine.
If it's helpful, people could change the locks on their door.
I know of one friend, she's so brilliant with this, where she creates safe spaces of things when she really didn't have anywhere in her home. And so she would do things like make her car her safe space. And I cannot tell you how clever she was with this.
She would do things like put blankets in the back and she had playlists that she loved.
And she would have a magnet holder that she could change out different images that were soothing and peaceful to her.
So if you're sitting here thinking like some of us have at some point where we're like, I don't have a safe place.
I encourage each of us to really look around and see what we do have. Maybe we have a closet, I don't know. But what is ours and what can we make to feel safe, to feel beautiful? And in that space we feel like we belong.
If you're not really sure about what would feel safe, something that might be helpful is TS12 and on has our step four is a little different.
It is set up in different stages and there's stage one which I'll focus on now. There's three stages, but stage one is safety and stabilization.
And really what we're dealing with here are safety issues.
And as such there is an activity that is brand new. It was just added yesterday in stage one and it's basically what does safety look like, sound like and feel like to me.
A supplement for this is a free worksheet that is now available and so I will link that in the show notes so that you can check it out. If you want to kind of explore what safety looks like, sounds like and feels like to you, then you can explore that as you're creating a safe space.
And number five is connect to safe people.
Isolation worsens trauma.
It makes us feel like we're crazy, makes us feel like we're alone, like nobody else has, can understand or has experienced what we have. Isolation is incredibly painful and not everybody's safe. So it is tricky.
But there's just something stabilizing and co regulating about being with someone who can understand and who can sit with us.
If you don't have a safe community yet, this is your invitation to do something really courageous and to find one.
I get it if you're struggling to really put yourself out there or to join a support group or something like that. I understand.
I did go 17 and a half years struggling on my own in isolation.
It wasn't until I found community that I started to heal.
If you'd like a free place to start and to try, you could try one of our TS12 Anon group meetings.
[00:22:31] Speaker C: And I'll have a link for that.
[00:22:33] Speaker B: In the show notes.
If safety is a current issue for any listeners as it can be for me, I am sending you a lot of love.
I have a meditation to share with.
[00:22:45] Speaker C: You called Shield of Light to help.
[00:22:47] Speaker B: Us feel safe in our bodies. I want to offer options so that you can choose what is best for you in your situation.
While meditation can be powerful, it can also be a bit much for some people, and that's okay.
Sometimes I like to just quietly listen to meditations if I'm not in a Mental space to actively participate in them.
[00:23:10] Speaker C: Or can even turn them off.
[00:23:13] Speaker B: There's no right or wrong way to do this.
[00:23:17] Speaker C: I present Shield of Light Meditation.
You're invited to get comfortable.
You might rest your hands gently on your lap or place one over your heart.
If it feels okay, it feels safe.
[00:23:42] Speaker B: Close your eyes.
[00:23:44] Speaker C: Or maybe just soften your gaze.
Allow your shoulders to melt down and your jaw to loosen.
Now take a slow, steady breath in and exhale just a little more slowly than you inhaled.
Maybe.
[00:24:15] Speaker B: Imagine that the ground beneath the you.
[00:24:16] Speaker C: Is holding you like a soft cushion.
This meditation includes some visualization.
[00:24:29] Speaker B: However, if you don't see clear pictures.
[00:24:32] Speaker C: In your mind, it's completely normal.
You're not doing this wrong.
[00:24:38] Speaker B: You might choose to focus on the.
[00:24:40] Speaker C: Words or imagine the feeling instead.
We're going to start by inviting in the light.
Imagine a gentle, glowing light just above the crown of your head.
It could be golden like sunlight, soft, white like moonlight, or any color that feels comforting.
Let it be vivid in your mind, the way it shines, the way it glows softly without strain with each breath. Imagine this light becoming brighter, stronger, and more radiant.
It's like the light is waiting for you, ready to wrap you in warmth and care.
Begin to picture the light slowly flowing down like warm liquid sunshine.
It moves from the top of your head, down across your forehead, temples, behind your ears.
Feel it brushing over your shoulders like a soft, glowing blanket.
See it pouring down over your chest and back over your arms and fingertips.
This light is forming a bubble, your own glowing shield that completely surrounds your body.
[00:26:35] Speaker B: Notice how this light shimmers as it flows.
[00:26:40] Speaker C: Maybe it sparkles softly like sunlight through water.
Maybe it has a faint hum.
Perhaps it's the sound of your own heartbeat.
This light is strong yet gentle.
Nothing harmful can pass through it.
Picture any unwanted energy, thought or worry simply bouncing off the shield and dissolving like mist in the sun.
Feel house steady. It is like a wall of light, so strong you can even lean on is bright.
It is protective.
You are safe within it.
Now take a few deep, easy breaths, imagining this light breathing with you, expanding as you inhale, softening, but never leaving as you exhale.
This is your light.
It belongs to you.
Anytime you need, you can call it back and surround yourself with it again.
Now slowly wiggle your fingers and toes, feeling the light still around you as you begin to bring awareness back into the room.
If your eyes are closed, gently open them. When you're ready, let the light stay with you, resting on your shoulders.
The shield of light is always available to you.
And as you go forward today, may you feel safe, may you feel steady, and may you feel deeply held in its glow.
[00:29:01] Speaker B: We love that you joined us today. Just a reminder, you're not failing. If you're not thriving right now, you're surviving something incredibly painful, and that takes strength and courage. We invite you to join our 10 Strong Wings campaign by donating $10 to help women heal from relational trauma. Links are in the show notes.
[00:29:27] Speaker A: So I fly aside Past the hurt Past the goodbye with the wind in my chest and fire in my ey I fly higher than every single life.
[00:29:51] Speaker B: Trauma survivors belong here.
