[00:00:00] Speaker A: Take a breath, have courage and let go.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: You're listening to Relational Trauma sos. We're discussing best practices for faith leaders who have survivors in their congregation.
Trauma survivors belong here.
[00:00:32] Speaker A: Higher in my eyes I fly, fly.
[00:00:37] Speaker C: Fly.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: Higher than every single light.
[00:00:47] Speaker B: Welcome to Relational Trauma SOS a Her Wings Unfold production special shout out to listeners from Surrey, British Columbia, Steinhausen, Switzerland and Fort Collins, Colorado. I'm looking forward to discussing nine best practices for faith leaders who have congregation members that have experienced another's destructive behavior. With my former boss and really dear friend Tara McCausland, a few things before we go there though, I just want to say that we have been pleasantly overwhelmed with group meeting signups for our TS12 and ON program, which is our trauma sensitive 12 step program for survivors of relational trauma.
We have received so many new signups, particularly in the Betrayal Trauma population, that we are starting a Tuesday Betrayal Trauma Group via zoom at 10am Mountain Standard Time and we'll likely need to add another meeting to accommodate our new members, whom we honestly welcome with open arms.
Meetings are free and we hope that if you qualify to be in a group that that you'll consider attending with us.
Also, we are interested in starting groups specific to different populations such as loved ones of alcoholics, one for domestic violence, one for those who have experienced childhood trauma, and more. If you're interested in being a part of a specific population group, will you please email us with that information at.
[00:02:18] Speaker C: Hello.
[00:02:22] Speaker B: We'Re humbled and quite frankly excited to see so many people benefiting from the program. I will share that I have personally read all of the emails that have come through sharing how participants qualify for the groups.
[00:02:36] Speaker C: I have wept over many of them.
[00:02:38] Speaker B: I see you, I am mourning with you and I hope to heal with many of you in a group very, very soon. Here's a recent anonymous comment from a group group where one of our participants shared the following quote, I recently discovered this new group called TS twelveanon. I love their compassionate, pro dependent, trauma sensitive approach to the 12 steps. I tried Esanon but it just didn't resonate with me. I've been in Betrayal Trauma recovery for four years now and although I have a wonderful therapist, support groups, and truly supportive women in my life, I believe ts12anon was the missing piece in my healing journey. I'm already noticing a shift within myself and I feel like I'm reconnecting all the parts of me that were shattered and scattered at Discovery.
So if you need a nudge or an invitation to join us, here it is we hope that you'll come. We hope that you'll join us on this healing journey.
[00:03:40] Speaker C: And her wings unfold.
[00:03:45] Speaker B: She may be your neighbor, your co worker, even your family member or friend.
Right now, a woman you know could be silently struggling after relational trauma, feeling alone, unsafe and unsure where to turn. Her wings unfold is there to change that. We're hosting a life changing women's retreat and want survivors to attend for free. But we can't do it without you. Your gift today can give her a safe place to heal and wings to soar. Any amount helps and we hope that several will participate in our 10 Strong Wings campaign where donors give just $10.
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[email protected] I'm really excited about today's conversation because I get to sit down with Tara McCausland to talk about one of my absolute favorite resources that essay Lifeline has ever created. It's called the nine Best Practices for Faith Leaders. Before we dive in, I want to be clear. This isn't a step by step on how to report abuse, and it's not a substitute for legal, professional or therapeutic help. Please know the laws in your area for reporting such things.
The nine Best Practices for Faith Leaders were designed to help faith leaders support both survivors of betrayal trauma and the offending partner in situations involving pornography use or other unwanted sexual behaviors. The reason I wanted to share them here is because most of the principles are Examples also apply when someone approaches clergy about experiencing another's abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment, what we call 4A behavior. Also, I know some of our listeners fall into the betrayal trauma category directly.
One other reason is that pornography is often an element in someone's destructive behavior. Though this isn't always the case. We will hear Tara talk specifically about the damage of pornography. I will add that pornography often accompanies other things such as mental health issues and domestic violence. In fact, I'll share just a couple of things about this A study of men who had committed domestic violence found that those with compulsive or uncontrollable sexual patterns were significantly more likely to have committed physical and sexual intimate partner violence. And the study even controlled for mental health and substance use in issues. Other research highlights how pornography consumption is often tied to sexual aggression, especially when users also hold hostile or sexist attitudes toward women.
I will link the study and the research for those in the show notes.
I'll repeat again that it's important to note that not everyone who has viewed pornography is going to be violent. But because we have a wide audience, there are some who will relate.
[00:06:47] Speaker C: I am excited to welcome to the program my friend and former boss, Tara McCausland. Tara is the executive director of SA Lifeline foundation, which helps individuals recover and families heal from problematic sexual behavior. Tara generously shares her story. As a daughter of a recovering sex addict and a mother who heals from betrayal trauma. Tara has her bachelor's in Consumer Human development and her master's in and executive leadership. Tara is unfailingly kind, leads in amazing ways, and someone that I am genuinely honored to learn from and to call a friend. So welcome to relational trauma SOS Tara.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: Thank you, Jenny. So good to be here with you.
[00:07:28] Speaker C: I love that you're here.
[00:07:29] Speaker A: Grateful for your friendship.
[00:07:31] Speaker C: I'm grateful for you.
Well, you know, when I was working with you, one of the things that I loved that you had direction and insight into was you wanted to develop what we now call nine best practices for faith leaders. And I'm wondering if you might go into, you know, why that was important to you, what the need was to have created it.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Sure.
So again, to re reiterate, SA Lifeline foundation is an organization that started out as an organization that provides education primarily for individuals struggling with sexual addiction and betrayal trauma, as well as community leaders, faith leaders.
And later we started a 12 step program.
But in this 16 year span that we have been working with individuals struggling with these problems, as well as support individuals, we have often had struggling individuals, again, people dealing with the behavior or partners of addicts come to us and say, you know, in all of this, I just, I haven't found a lot of help from my church, from my faith leader. And in many cases they might say it was even more harmful. It added to my trauma.
And we just discovered that sometimes by no fault of their own, faith leaders just did not have the background or education to direct people in these really important and painful matters. It was only a year and a half ago or so that we really thought we need something succinct, direct, powerful, that busy faith leaders can read, you know, in A, in 10 minutes and get a good grasp of what it is that they're dealing with when somebody walks into their office with problematic sexual behavior or betrayal trauma. And so that, that was kind of the impetus of our developing this, this short document. And we hope and believe that people are finding a lot of value in it.
[00:09:37] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:09:39] Speaker C: And I just want to say that I have been, you know, in my case, a betrayed spouse who has walked into a faith leader's office that meant well. They really meant well. And I left with what I consider secondary trauma. And I don't think faith leaders intend harm at all. I don't think anybody go into the business of being a faith leader. You know, whether that's like in my religion, it. They're not even paid to do it. You know, it's all volunteer work. And so nobody's going to do that thinking I'm going to cause, you know, somebody harmed. They all want to help.
And so I just want to recognize their hearts are amazingly good and God centered and want to do. Do well. And really what we're hoping is, is that this fills in an education piece that is often missing. So I love how you word that and I appreciate it. I also want to let listeners know that as we discuss this document. This document was created for supporting individuals and couples who are affected by pornography use and problematic sexual behaviors. However, because our audience is broader, I'm going to bring a little bit of a broader lens. And a lot of what we discussed today in, in this document does apply to others who have been harmed.
And, and so from that aspect, I'm going to bring a little bit wider lens. So, Tara, why don't you take it away and we'll just start with.
[00:11:09] Speaker B: With number one.
[00:11:11] Speaker A: Well, and maybe before we even start with number one, I hope you don't mind if I back up even just a little bit because I, I think that most faith, Faith leaders understand that the scope of this issue is enormous. But I think sometimes we need a reminder of really how prevalent these issues of compulsive pornography use and problematic sexual behavior are to maybe put a little fire under us, to get educated. Because I also want to reiterate, I am so grateful for faith leaders who are trying in this effort to heal and help individuals find help. But without good education, we, we're just, we're not going to be able to support people. Well, but I just, I wanted to point out a couple of things again, not that we have to belabor this.
[00:11:59] Speaker C: Go for it. Yeah, I want to hear.
[00:12:00] Speaker A: According to the American foundation for Addiction Research, they call themselves afar for short.
There are 68 million searches every day for pornography.
There are 2.4 million visitors per hour to Pornhub alone.
[00:12:19] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:12:20] Speaker A: There were 4.3 billion hours watched in 2021 on various pornography websites.
And their number was that 24 million Americans are dealing with compulsive pornography use or sexual addiction. And it's growing because of the three A's, anonymity, accessibility, and affordability of the Internet. Right.
And I think it's helpful for faith leaders again to remember the scope because according to the Wheatley Institute, one in five couples is dealing with this on some level. And I think that's even lowballing it.
Yeah, I'm not a researcher. I just, I know, I know the field because I've been in this work for a while.
So the prevalence is staggering and it's not going to change anytime soon. And for faith leaders to understand that this is not like a moral issue, a moral failing in and of itself, this is much bigger than that. As well as for us to consider how is this affecting individuals that are coming into our office? And I'm just going to focus on those that are struggling with the behavior just for a second because I feel like research speaks.
85/studies link porn use to poor mental health outcomes. 80/studies link porn to less sexual and relationship satisfaction. And sadly but unsurprisingly, 100 plus studies link porn use to sexual coercion and abuse. Why do I bring this up when people are coming into your office dealing with some of these other issues I want you to consider, Faith leader, is pornography and problematic sexual behavior playing a role and what's happening in the relationship dynamic or with the individual?
And maybe just final blanket statement, I love Dr. Jill Manning. She is a expert in the field of betrayal trauma. And she put it really succinctly when she said pornography is a mood altering, belief changing, relationship damaging, addiction forming, socially harmful, spiritually deadening and life crippling practice.
Boom. Right?
[00:14:36] Speaker C: Yeah, boom.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: And so just for our faith leaders listening and others, we need to understand the scope and we need to understand what this is doing to the people who are sitting next to us on the pew or our congregants, those who we're trying to shepherd. Any comments about that, Jenny?
[00:14:56] Speaker C: Yeah, as I'm thinking about it, one, I love it. I love that this is part of you know, essay Lifeline's mission to teach and to share these kinds of statistics and education.
And I will also say that with four A behavior, so that is abuse, addiction, adultery or abandonment, they often go together. You know, it's like when we talk about if somebody is involved in pornography use and they are, for instance, ashamed of it and they're hiding it, then there's likely gaslighting and emotional abuse at the very least. Sometimes it can turn into reenactment of what they're seeing. And then we have sexual abuse or physical abuse and you know, then we've got, you know, it can escalate so much that it becomes an addiction, and it can escalate so much that it becomes adultery and people can become abandoned emotionally, physically, spiritually, and it can look all sorts of different ways.
But I love that you point out, is pornography use part of it? Because it does change people's perceptions. People start to look at. At others as objects and more as commodities instead of a person to be loved.
So I really appreciate what you shared and thank you. Yeah, that's really great.
[00:16:17] Speaker A: Yeah. And maybe I'll just say this.
Oftentimes because pornography use is so common, we very often will water it down and say it's just pornography or it's just a pornography problem.
And while not everyone that consumes porn becomes a sexual predator, we have to understand that someone that has escalated to that point started somewhere.
[00:16:46] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:47] Speaker A: And it is my strong belief that it always starts with pornography and leads into darker territory. And so when we, when we excuse pornography use, we are doing ourselves and others a great disservice. We get at the root, which when people use pornography, they're usually using it to help them cope with something, and we can get there as well.
But pornography is dangerous, and we never want to excuse that as individuals, as community or faith leaders, because it in and of itself is very problematic. But this is a progressive disorder that will grow unchecked.
[00:17:28] Speaker C: Yes, thank you.
Without further ado, how about we jump into number one?
[00:17:35] Speaker A: Yes. Okay. So by the way, if you want a copy of this, you can go to sa lifeline.org and find it there. And I think, Jenny, you'll probably include it in the show notes, right?
[00:17:45] Speaker C: I'll for sure put it in the show notes. Yes.
[00:17:47] Speaker A: Okay. So number one, see your role as a first responder. I think actually this can really help alleviate some of the pressure for our faith leaders, because I think many times, whether or not you went to school to become a. A clergy clergyman or you're a lay minister, I think sometimes faith leaders put way too much pressure on themselves to be the fix it all for people.
And yet we know that you'll do your best work as a faith leader. If you can, like a paramedic, you can help address some of the immediate distress because you will have people coming to you.
Maybe you're the first stop. You're the first person that they have come to, and I want to congratulate you for that.
If they're doing that, they see you as a safe person, but you are perhaps the first person they've ever told about this issue.
And at this point, what next?
We encourage you like a paramedic to help with that initial distress, support, love, hold accountable and then you're going to shuttle them on to someone with some specialized knowledge about this.
And so that might look like finding them a qualified therapist or helping them find a 12 step group, both. But recognize it is not your responsibility to be the care team. You are a part of the team, but you are not the team.
[00:19:19] Speaker C: I love that and part of that too.
On number one, it says seek quality education to understand and this is the serious nature of pornography use, problematic sexual behaviors. I want to just broaden that to say that when clergy have people coming in about they've experienced abuse and they've there needs to be, we cannot be for sure the expert, but a general understanding and even maybe enough of an understanding to do what you're saying is I have to know that this is beyond me, you know that this is going to require a full team and this is not something that is going to be handled only in my office. This is something that is going to be a broader, broader scope. So I really appreciated what you said and I want to encourage faith leaders to do seek that quality education so they understand.
Because oftentimes I think what happens is when somebody comes into an office and it's we're invalidated or like in the case of sex, sex addiction, you know, a spouse, even still, I still hear this is told that they just need to offer more sex or something like that when addiction has taken over and that is incredibly damaging to a spouse and tells them really this is your fault, you know, in some way and here's how you can fix their problematic behavior, which is not really true and we'll get into that later. That is one of the later things that we go into. So.
[00:20:53] Speaker A: And if you consider yourself like a paramedic, a paramedic who is a first responder, they do have a level of training, right, to be able to address that immediate distress.
But you're not going like a paramedic can't do heart surgery on someone that's had a heart attack.
They're going to do just that initial care and then again get them to where they need more specialized support.
But you're absolutely right, we're not going to do this well without some level of education. And so if you are a busy faith leader, start with this nine best practices. It's short, it's digestible, it's understandable. And then take bite sized steps in trying to get more educated about these issues and then I think you'll be able to be more confident as you're trying to assist these people who in many cases are coming to you in high levels of distress.
[00:21:46] Speaker C: Right, okay, so what's number two then?
[00:21:49] Speaker A: Okay, so number two, let go of responsibility for fixing the problem.
So this is closely tied to number one.
But I think also recognizing that because you are only a part of the care team, not the team, you can only assist so much.
Right.
You are a spiritual leader. That is your role. And you do well to direct them to the God of their understanding and help them to develop that confidence in that relationship.
But you also have to take into account again, what you aren't capable of doing. You are not a clinician, you are not a therapist, you are not a sponsor. You can act as an accountability partner. But I think an alcoholic is best suited to help an alcoholic, as we talk about in 12 step. And so there are limits to what you can do, which again ought to relieve some of the pressure and letting go of the responsibility for fixing the problem, I hope will help you catch your breath a little bit because there are probably more people coming to you with this issue than you would like to have to deal with on the day to day. I also want to say that we have to take into account that people have their own will, their free will, their agency. And at essay lifeline, we talk about what we refer to as the recovery puzzle, which we see as the essential pieces for recovery for both partners, whether you're dealing with compulsive behavior or a betrayal trauma. But at the center of that puzzle is this willing heart to do the work of healing. And as a faith leader, you can love, you can support, you can create a safe space, but you cannot give people a willing heart to do the work.
And it's the same with saving the marriage. We have to have two healthy or willing individuals to do the work to save a marriage. And so let go of responsibility, faith leader of fixing this, but create the space for healing to happen and then let them make a choice.
[00:23:56] Speaker C: I love that. And that is so validating. I guess one thing that is they can consider is why is that person actually in there to begin with, especially the offending partner? Was it because they were caught? You know, is it because honestly they're like, I need help and, and there's a real difference in, in that kind of attitude. It's like somebody already is coming in with a willing heart. And someone who's caught, they might even look like they have a willing heart because they're shame or they know better. They know the answers, but they don't necessarily have it. It's like, now I'm caught. Now I have to go through whatever steps in order to appease my spouse or to show up well for my faith leader. And so it's definitely something to take into consideration is why are they in the office?
[00:24:47] Speaker B: All right, how about number three?
[00:24:50] Speaker A: Yes. So meet separately with each spouse who is willing.
So recognizing that sometimes, even before disclosure, you might have a couple that's been in your office addressing marital issues.
But we want to emphasize that this is not a marriage issue.
This is.
Well, as Barbara Steffens put it, this is not a marriage issue. It's something that's happened within the marriage. And so if you're only meeting with couples together, you're likely not going to get the full story from either partner. So that's one reason to meet separately with each spouse who's willing. But each spouse is going to have very unique needs for the addict. Because of fear, because of shame, they may be very, very reluctant to tell you the truth.
And that's going to be an ongoing process that you're going to need to try and with discernment, try and help them learn the importance of rigorous honesty is what we call it at SA Lifeline. And that person that's dealing with this addictive pattern will require ongoing visits for ongoing accountability, which is vital.
But on the flip side, we have a partner, and we haven't talked too much about what's happening with the partner yet, but the partner, you may not understand this yet at this point, faith leader, but I need you to see the partner as someone who has been injured, like they've been hit in a car accident, and they have wounds that they need to heal themselves. And so they may require as much care and support as the person dealing with an addictive pattern.
So that's going to require meeting separately with individuals who are willing so that you can provide support and accountability as needed.
[00:26:46] Speaker C: Yeah, I want to say, too, from a partner's perspective, I love that you bring up the car accident, because honestly, what that looks like, if somebody's literally hit by a car, they might be distressed, they might be crying, they might be in a lot of pain.
Well, it's very similar and sometimes looks really intense and almost like, I just remember I had a faith leader look at me like I was completely crazy when I was in fresh trauma. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what I was experiencing, but I. I just assumed he would understand, and he really didn't. You know, to his credit, he tried, but he really didn't. And I remember him just looking at me like, oh, no wonder this guy is struggling. Look at this. And I'm like thinking, this isn't my normal, you know, this isn't like I was just like you're saying hit by a truck or something, you know, to where it looks like this person is really, really wounded.
And maybe it can even look crazy because to be honest, sometimes we feel crazy when that's the case. You know, it's like there's just, we're outside of our, our emotional regulation, our ability to cope, to think through things. And it is very, very intense. And so hopefully they can understand this is not, please don't judge the partner on this, this moment. Look at them like they are injured. So that's really great.
[00:28:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
Before we leave this point, in some faith traditions there is a lot of focus on achieving milestones, if you will.
And we at essay Lifeline recognize that there's going to be a better long term outcome if we focus on rigorous honesty and accountability with people dealing with a compulsive pattern or that are dealing, are abusive or whatever issue that they are dealing with.
And we emphasize that over achieving the religious milestone within a certain time frame. That doesn't mean that we completely forget about the goal, the religious goal. But it's so important again for someone's long term spiritual, mental and social well being that the emphasis is placed on you must be honest, you must tell the absolute and whole truth.
Because we've seen, I've seen that without that, without that full disclosure and we'll get there as well.
It eats away at people and they're never able to fully heal without being fully honest and accountable. And so while that might seem maybe hard nosed, I believe that when we focus on With Love, the honesty and the accountability piece, we will be doing a greater service to those that we are ministering to than if we're pushing them along down the religious milestone line, if you will.
[00:29:59] Speaker C: Right.
[00:29:59] Speaker A: Honesty and accountability will serve us much better in the long term.
[00:30:04] Speaker C: Yes, I agree. And without that honesty, I feel like there's always some kind of a barrier there.
[00:30:09] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:30:09] Speaker C: And a marriage can feel it. Even if you don't understand what that is exactly. There's just maybe not even words for it. You know, I know in the betrayal trauma world, in the sex addiction world, there is frequent use of polygraphs and there's a reason for that. And I loved hearing a polygrapher, which is such a funny word to me, but I loved hearing him talk about that. His first time working with a sex addict was this guy really needed help being honest and he needed that extra push. And so it's not, I mean, I was shocked, honestly, that it might be a need in my own situation, which it did turn out to be a need in my own situation.
But I, I can see when somebody has, has hidden things so long, why it might be helpful, actually.
[00:31:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
And so I am the daughter of a recovering addict, and knowing my father pre recovery and post recovery, not that I ever was really aware of the level of deceit and lies that he was living in pre disclosure. But people who are dealing with an addictive pattern or are being unfaithful, they become very skilled liars. And that in and of itself is a coping mechanism because they're living in such denial and self justification that if they were to reveal to themselves the level of hypocrisy, they wouldn't be able to live with it. And so I like how you put that. That with a polygraph they find that sometimes these individuals need help telling the truth because they've become so skilled on the lying side that they are almost incapable their brain. There's something that's happened with the brain where it is hard, harder than for the regular person to tell the truth.
So I'm not going to go down the, the science path there. I, I'm, I don't really have the, the verbiage to explain that. But just understand, faith leader, that if, if an AD addict is talking and they're in their active addiction, the likelihood of them lying to you is extremely high.
[00:32:25] Speaker C: Right.
[00:32:25] Speaker A: Which is why we need to listen to the partner, which again, we'll, we'll get to.
[00:32:30] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
All right, so I think we're on number four.
[00:32:35] Speaker A: Okay. Number four is to recognize this is not the affected partner's fault. So it is very common that these undisclosed sexual behaviors will have been brought into the marriage. So these compulsive patterns predate the marriage.
So that's, that's helpful to first understand this predates them even meeting or interacting with their partner. So for us to ever come out and say, honey, this is your problem. You're not having enough sex. You need to lose £15. You're not nice enough to him. I need you to understand that is just flat out false. This is not the partner's fault.
[00:33:20] Speaker C: Yeah, thank you for saying that. And also, as I'm looking at like broadening this to abuse, addiction, adultery or abandonment, really what we're looking at is that there is a power differential. Somebody almost always has information that the other person doesn't have, and they are making decisions that affect the other person, and it is. It causes major problems. And so to blame the partner in any way and to say, well, what is your role? And to be clear, we're not saying anyone is perfect, but there is something different between somebody who has been victimized. We don't like, you know, the concept of. Of victim mentality, but somebody legit has been victimized.
And whereas that's the case, it's just very, very important that we not blame that person. And. And we can look at their responses sometimes that might not make as much sense as more like survival mechanisms in a very severe situation.
[00:34:25] Speaker A: Right. Yeah. And I appreciate what you said. Like, we're not saying that the partner is infallible. We can acknowledge the humanity in both partners, but also recognize there is a power imbalance here, that one person, particularly in addiction, they have intentionally been deceiving and manipulating to hide their secret, which is a big part of what causes betrayal, trauma, is that deceit, is that lying?
But I think it's also helpful for us to paint sex addiction and compulsive pornography use as it becomes the drug of choice. You would never say to a spouse, your husband is an alcoholic because you drove them to the alcohol, or your husband or your partner is a drug addict because you drove them to cocaine.
But for some reason not understanding that pornography and sex can become addictive in the same ways, we sometimes connect it with the sexual relationship or the health of the relationship. And I think it's really helpful to understand this is a drug of choice. People are doing this because it's become a good solution for them to deal with their problems. It's a great coping mechanism. It's very harmful, but it's effective.
But it is the drug of choice. And that. That was never the fault of the partner to drive them to that drug. Does that make sense?
[00:35:53] Speaker C: Absolutely. I love that. And I feel like Essay Lifeline has. Has a book that they often sell called He Restoreth my soul by Dr. Donald Hilton.
And one thing that I love that Dr. Hilton does well in this, he's a neurosurgeon, is that he does talk about the different chemicals that behaviors can induce.
And so I remember him saying in there something about how you could go to a pharmacy or to a dealer and you could get your drug of choice or some people, because actions produce those drugs, that it's every bit as. As powerful, you know, and that they can Just create them on demand. And really there's some danger in that, in that it's like you don't have to spend money on it and you don't have to go anywhere for it. You know, it's. There's some real danger that it can be accessed anytime you'd really like and you have privacy.
All right, so we'll move to number five.
[00:36:55] Speaker A: So five is to recognize the affected partner may experience severe distress. So we've been alluding to this, but again, helpful to have some stats here.
Nearly 70% of those who receive a sexual discovery or disclosure experience PTSD type symptoms. And this may escalate to a mental health crisis. So we call this betrayal, trauma.
And it might look like confusion, agitation, intense anger, severe emotional distress, shock. So when somebody comes into your office, a betrayed partner. And as Jenny was describing, sometimes these partners look crazy and there's a good reason. PTSD is a crisis and people's systems are completely out of whack when they're. They're dealing with a PTSD type response. And so I think it's really helpful, faith leaders to recognize that while this partner walking in might look incredibly unstable, they are in crisis. And if you can imagine this person has just experienced one of the most destabilizing and devastating experiences that they have ever experienced in their life, then you understand why they might look like a crazy person.
[00:38:17] Speaker C: Yeah. Well said. Thank you. All right, we'll move to number six.
[00:38:21] Speaker A: Well, maybe before then. Can I just say. Yeah, I understand that it can be really hard to deal with that level of emotion and distress and that takes a lot of level headedness to be able to hold space for that.
But I promise you, if you can absorb some of that and treat the affected partner with respect and with sensitivity, with affirmation, compassion, then that in and of itself is going to be incredibly stabilizing for that partner.
So as much as you can take a step back, take some breaths and allow that partner to express what they need to express, that will really help moving forward. If your response is blaming, shaming or pulling away, I guarantee you that partner is not going to very quickly come back because you are no longer a safe space.
[00:39:19] Speaker C: Yeah, I love that. Thank you.
Okay, number six.
[00:39:23] Speaker A: All right, so listen to the affected partner story and trust what they are saying.
So I'm just going to read this from the document. So Dr. Adam Moore, he's a therapist in the field. He says that those who struggle with hidden and problematic sexual behaviors are unusually skilled at creating a believable and beautiful Facade, they may come across in your office as stable, honest and accountable. Before you accept all they are telling you, listen to the betrayed partner's experience.
I love this. This is like mic drop, right, Jenny? Yeah, it really is what I said before. These individuals, because of shame, because of fear, they become skilled liars and manipulators. And again, I'll draw from my own experience. My dad, you would have never known what my dad was doing and dealing with on the weekends when he was traveling for business because he was a different man when he was home, when he was at church. He was a family man, he was a church man. He was a successful businessman. Recognizing. And it's not just people who are addicts, people who deal with abusive patterns, who are unfaithful.
They can become and create this beautiful, this beautiful facade, but it's best described as Jekyll and Hyde.
[00:40:48] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. They can live a double lifestyle really well.
And I will also say that really, when I. I love this concept that we need to believe the partner. We need to believe the affected person. And there's something, I don't know when, when a partner or somebody comes in who's. Who's been affected and they're given the message that they don't. They're not believed, that maybe it's their fault in some way. It is so damaging. And one of the best things we could say to them is, I believe you. I believe you.
And just to sit with them in, in that pain and to just hold space for it, it's really powerful.
[00:41:34] Speaker A: And honestly, it can be confusing because again, based on what we said from the last point, betrayed partner, it looks nuts at this point because they're in total crisis mode. And then we have the addict. They've not just suddenly gone through this upheaval. They have known all along. I'm not saying that this isn't challenging for the individual that's been discovered or that has come forward courageously. That happens sometimes. This is hard for them too. But it's not the same devastation that's happening on the other side for the betrayed partner. Their world has come to a screeching halt. Everything is crumbling around them. They don't know who to believe, what to trust. There's rupture everywhere. And so for the addict to come in and look stable and normal isn't surprising. And for the affected partner to look like a crazy person, the faith leader might say, oh, I see, I see why he's doing these things because he's married a lunatic. Right. But again, take a Step back, get some perspective and understand this is like a war torn soldier, this betrayed partner who is that feels like they are walking a world of landmines now and they are terrified.
[00:42:55] Speaker C: Absolutely makes sense. And it's relatable for me.
One thing that I love, that a therapist once told me, as I was telling her, I just cannot feel as stable as I would like. And I've been in this a long time and I've been doing this a long time and I'm very frustrated. And I remember her saying, well, we.
[00:43:16] Speaker B: Don'T expect soldiers to heal from PTSD.
[00:43:18] Speaker C: While they're being shot at.
And to be honest, faith leader, they might be being shot at in your office, figuratively speaking, by, by the offending partner. They could be for instance, painting an untrue picture. And so what that does is it makes further, makes the affected partner feel crazy and feel, is anybody going to believe me? Does anybody see or understand what is happening? And this is so severe and painful.
[00:43:47] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:43:48] Speaker C: Okay, so we are on number seven.
[00:43:51] Speaker A: Okay. So number seven is the offending partner needs a balance of compassion and accountability. And this is, this is really, this is really critical. And we can't overstate the importance of trying to strike this balance. And I'm not going to say that it's easy.
[00:44:05] Speaker C: Yeah.
In fact, I worked this through because I was thinking that is really specific for somebody struggling with sex addiction who is maybe in some shame and things.
And I think I would word this a little differently if somebody is experiencing, experiencing like abuse. And so if that's all right, I will just say we might say something more like the harming individual needs compassionate accountability with clear boundaries.
So that there is some, some follow through and accountability.
But it's really, really similar.
[00:44:40] Speaker A: Right? Yeah. And thank you for bringing that up.
Someone that's being abused and an abuser needs a, the partner needs a higher level of safety and boundaries and the person that's doing the abusing needs a higher level of accountability.
[00:44:54] Speaker C: For sure. For sure.
[00:44:57] Speaker A: So I think when it comes to this, we seem to kind of go on this pendulum where sometimes we swing too far to the compassion side with too much compassion and not enough accountability. We're going to give the impression that the behavior isn't that bad.
[00:45:17] Speaker C: Right.
[00:45:18] Speaker A: And it's not affecting individuals or marriages or families that much. And we. I just want to reiterate this impacts every level of a person's well being, their spiritual well being, their mental well being, their emotional well being, their physical well being. And I'm even going to, going to go so far as to say that we know that people who deal with addictive patterns are more suicidal and are going to be more. We know that suicide is a part of this addiction.
I know that that's not in every case, but I've heard it enough.
So for the faith leader to understand, let's not water this down, let's take this very seriously. But we don't want to shame people. We also know that shame drives people into the addictive pattern even more. And so.
[00:46:08] Speaker C: Right. So that's on the other end of the pendulum.
[00:46:10] Speaker A: Right? Right.
[00:46:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:46:12] Speaker A: And so striking that balance, which again is hard to do, but I believe it can be done when we understand the harm it's doing to individuals so that we can hold them accountable with love and say, because I love you, because I care about you, this has to stop and we're going to get you some help.
And sometimes people who are so deep in the addiction and we talk about in the 12 steps, for many people, they just have to come to this point, this rock bottom point where they recognize how unmanageable their lives have become. And for many people that's really hard.
[00:46:49] Speaker C: Right.
[00:46:50] Speaker A: And so for someone like a faith leader to say to them, I love you, this is going to destroy you.
So I'm going to love you enough to hold you accountable can make a big, a big difference. Because sometimes people aren't there yet for themselves to do the healing work. Because healing is not any cakewalk, it's not a vacation. Obviously it is strenuous, especially in those initial stages. But the gifts are tremendous for those who are willing to work their recovery. But it might take some love and support from the people around them to encourage them to keep going because it's not easy. Compassion and accountability together will be the best way that we can help them progress on that pathway to recovery.
[00:47:36] Speaker C: Yeah, I love that.
How about then number eight?
[00:47:42] Speaker A: So number eight is inquire about the history and current patterns of pornography use and sexually acting out behaviors of the offending individual.
So this is where I'm going to say that having a care team is really helpful because preparing a full disclosure is not easy.
And really getting down to the bottom of the truth and getting all the story laid out.
A qualified therapist can be really helpful here in helping them prepare full disclosure as well as a sponsor and a 12 step group because that's a part of working the steps.
So I just wanted to put a plug in for qualified therapy here and, and a sponsor and 12 step work because for you as a Faith leader, where you will find value in helping them tell their stories so that they can make amends for and repent of the things that they have done wrong that are affecting them and the people that they love. And without getting that history, as well as an understanding of the current patterns, you're just not going. You're not going to be able to hold them accountable and give them the opportunity to make amends, which is incredibly important for the healing journey.
[00:49:03] Speaker C: Yeah. And I'll add, too, that I love the concept that when shame is spoken in safe places, it loses its oxygen.
[00:49:13] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:49:13] Speaker C: It's just not got the grip that it would have. I have found that true be to be true in my own situation. And. And, you know, even working a traditional step four, where we kind of own our behavior, steps four and five, it is really fascinating to me at how healing that can be to be like, no, here I am.
Here's the good of me, the bad of me. You know, it's like, it's all out here on the table, and I'm just going to accept who I am and. And to really lean into that and to find love and acceptance from. From others and from God. So I think it's really powerful if people.
If there is a compassionate witness and a faith leader could absolutely lean into that role of being a compassionate witness.
And I think that also means that if somebody is repenting, there is space too, that, oh, they have a lot of trauma, you know, and I have grace for maybe how they. They ended up here. And no, they should not have done it. There should not be these destructive behaviors. But I do have. Have grace and see the bigger picture.
Okay, so we are at number nine. Drum roll.
[00:50:36] Speaker A: So number nine is to allow the affected partner to forgive in their own way and on their own time.
So my mom will often say maybe she wasn't the one that said it, but she's repeated enough that it seems like she was the one that said it, that forgiveness is not the same as trust.
We. We hope that in time, partners will get to a point where for themselves, for their own peace, for their own serenity, they will be able to forgive. But that's a gift that they have to choose to give, and they cannot.
Their hand cannot be forced because otherwise it's not the gift that it is for the person that they are extending forgiveness to.
And it's a deeply. It's a deeply personal journey for everyone. And so allowing space for partners, for children, for parents, for loved ones of the struggling individual, allowing space and time for Them to forgive on their own timeline is critical.
And honestly, as a faith leader, to be able to hold space for the discomfort of that. I heard a couple talk about this, that when an addict is demanding forgiveness or someone else is demanding forgiveness from someone that's been victimized, it's because it's too uncomfortable for them.
But that's not what this is about.
Yeah, we have to allow those who have been hurt and victimized to heal on their own timeline and bring the God of their understanding into that. And then I believe that with that space in time, forgiveness can be extended, but it cannot be rushed. It cannot be imposed. Otherwise, it's not forgiveness at all.
[00:52:26] Speaker C: Yeah, I love that. I will say, for me, there have been times where, especially in the beginning of my journey, I really didn't understand that concept.
And I would just say, I forgive you now. Go do whatever you know. And. And I came to understand that's not true forgiveness, really, because still there were some resentments that would pop up, and there were. There was a lot of pain that was not healed from. And not that we have to, I think, be completely healed to forgive. But for me, I don't think that I was offering true forgiveness, and it was more of this almost prideful thing. Well, forgiveness is a commandment, so I'm going to instantly forgive.
And one thing that I do love is that I think I do fall under the belief that forgiveness is absolutely a commandment, but never do I read in any kind of scripture doctrine that it should be instant forgiveness.
And I think that sometimes, who knows, maybe people can forgive instantly. But I've come to see that there's real value in that journey and leaning into God and saying, okay, now do you see this, this really painful part in my heart? Can you move in here and help me understand it better and maybe shine your light on it and. And help me. Help me to heal from it, and. And the kind of forgiveness I can offer when I've gone through the work of it is way more meaningful and deeper.
[00:54:00] Speaker A: Yeah. Thank you. And two points I want to share before we wrap up here.
Oh, this same couple that I referred to before, they talked about how when a partner is continuing in the relationship and they are supporting recovery efforts and they are working their own recovery and on their own healing journey that is demonstrating a level of forgiveness, they're willing to keep moving forward in life with that person. And so they may not have said, I forgive you, but if they're staying in the picture and they're still giving space for that relationship, and for change.
I just want to say that that's demonstrating a level of forgiveness. Now, I don't want to underestimate the power of saying, I forgive you, but there's a difference between words and action, and I think that's powerful.
[00:54:54] Speaker C: Oh, I love that. And actually, I know the podcast episode you're referring to is with the Rab Smiths. The Rabsmiths.
[00:55:00] Speaker A: That's right.
[00:55:00] Speaker C: Yeah. For anybody who would like to listen to that essay, Lifeline has a wonderful podcast called Pathway to Recovery. And I will link that episode in the show notes. And I really enjoyed the way that they spoke about forgiveness in there. So, yeah, it's a really good one.
[00:55:17] Speaker A: And this very, very last piece going back to what my mom said, that forgiveness is not the same as trust.
[00:55:22] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:55:23] Speaker A: That trust must be built drop by drop over a long period of time. And my mom was once approached by a man after they had given a presentation in a church setting. And he said to her, do you fully trust your husband?
Kind of took her aback, but she essentially said, I trust recovery behavior.
So for her, she has not just said blanket statement, I forgive you, turn a blind eye to any other red flag that I might see moving forward. But she's learned to understand and trust what recovery looks, acts, and talks like. And so when she's seeing that, she can trust my dad. And I'm very happy to say, and this is a big part of what we try and do at SA Lifeline is to instill hope that there is healing for couples and for individuals whose lives have been turned upside down by these issues, there is healing. And I've seen it, I've witnessed it. I've had a front row seat.
And I know also as we're speaking to faith leaders, where you're going to do well, where you're gonna do your best work, is helping individuals recognize the spiritual nature of this issue. Because we believe that addiction and trauma have deep spiritual roots, and that recovery is going to require spiritual work. It's part of it. It's not all of it. But if you, as a faith leader can keep directing them to the God of their understanding and help them understand who that God is, that they are loved, that they are valued, and that that God wants to help them wherever they're at on their journey, I think that can open up a lot of doors.
So I'm just grateful.
I'm grateful for you, Jenny. You have been one that has demonstrated the hope and resilience that's possible through recovery work.
And grateful to people like my parents who went through hell and back to learn what they did, to be able to share that hope with others and grateful for people who are listening to this episode, for our faith leaders who are trying. And I promise you that as you continue to educate yourself and lean into God through this process, that he will help you assist these people.
[00:57:48] Speaker C: Yes, I agree. I have seen really beautiful things happen.
I know in my own situation, in other severe situations, it's not always best to be. To be together as we heal, especially if there's safety issues or something like that.
So I do want to put in there that healing can happen. Sometimes it has to happen individually and not everybody chooses it. And so we do hope that people choose good things. And if not, there is absolutely hope that individuals can heal and we can heal our families as well.
[00:58:22] Speaker A: Amen.
[00:58:34] Speaker B: Thank you for listening to Relational Trauma SOS Her Wings Unfold production. I hope that you enjoyed the conversation with me and Tara about nine best practices for faith leaders.
Is there a faith leader who might benefit from hearing this episode? We hope that you will share it with them.
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