Episode 15: Raising Porn Addiction Resistant Children

Have you wondered how to teach children about pornography? Me too friend. This week's podcast episode is all about raising porn addiction resistant children/

This episode stems from a question from last week’s Q & A: “Hi Jeni! I have a question for you: how do you raise sex addiction resistant children? I think about having kids and I worry about them suffering from the same demons that my husband does. I worry about them picking up not safe emotional habits.”

I want to say thank you so much for this beautiful question. I have many of the same concerns and am actively looking for ways to help my 6 children with these very things. Basically, I’m in the trenches with you.

What does porn do to children’s brains?

Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton says this: “Our brain cells change with learning. Addictive learning sculpts the brain in a very damaging way and we can become very set in certain behaviors and tastes.

When there is a reward like pornography, that's a specially powerful printing process. The brain doesn't forget that. A 12- year-old who sees hardcore porn is going to say 'Wow that was amazing'.

Sometimes children may be frightened, but the fascination overcomes the fright eventually.

One thing our brain wants is novelty, change. It wants a different face, a different body shape. Boys, and increasingly girls, are struggling with porn. They literally surf for hours looking for the perfect clip to masturbate to.

There is a lot of scientific evidence that sex can, and in particular Internet porn, be addictive. It's like a blackjack game, it's a different set of cards every time.”

The thing is, it's not IF children will see porn, it's WHEN.

In a talk titled "A Sin Resistant Generation" by Joy D. Jones, she talks about a critical understanding when she says, “We must understand our—and their—divine identity and purpose before we can help our children see who they are and why they are here. We must help them know without question that they are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father and that He has divine expectations of them.”

We discuss Rat Park in today's episode as well. We talk about the ROOT of addiction, which is lack of connection.

How do we make it safe for children to share their feelings in our home so that they can ultimately connect in healthy ways with others.

This week we also discuss the skill of making feelings safe. In regards to this, we discuss the following quote from Katy Willis, “When I finally learned that each one of us has the right to feel and that we can validate the other person without also having to validate the drama, the distortions, the story… it has completely changed the way I approach others.”

Something else that we can’t miss in this process is how do we talk to our children about sex and sexuality? Of course this is incredibly personal per family but I’ll share what we are working on.

We'll additionally talk about:

Talking about sex in age appropriate ways

Taking shame OUT when talking about sex to children

How to talk about sex frequently

When Talking About Pornography, here's a few things that we teach our children:

1- Name it (That's pornography)

2- Crash (Turn off any devices, close a magazine, etc.)

3- Tell (Talk to a trusted adult- like a parent)

4- Recognize that no matter how it made you feel, you aren’t bad. Take the shame out.

What To Do When Your Child Tells You That They’ve Seen Porn

If one of my children comes and tells me that they have seen porn,

Know that there are many levels of porn use and it doesn’t mean that they are addiction. Of course, it doesn’t mean that there’s not addiction. Staying curious is critical.

The pattern for my response looks like this:

1- Validate them as a person- bravery- Thank them for trusting me with such hard information.

2- Normalize emotions and desires (not actions.)

3- Teach correct principles when needed without shame.

4- Determine what support they need and follow through

5- Love, love love

SOURCES:

A Sin Resistant Generation by Joy D. Jones

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong- Ted Talk- Johann Hari

Children’s Brain Cells Changed by Internet Porn: Neurosurgeon

God Made All of Me by Justin S. Holcomb (affiliate link)

What Should I Do When I See Pornography video by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints