[00:00:00] Speaker A: Take a breath, have courage, and let go.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: You're listening to Relational Trauma SOS Her Wings Unfold. Production trauma survivors belong here.
[00:00:21] Speaker A: So I fly, fly, fly Past the hurt, past the goodbye with the wind in my chest and higher in my eyes I fly, fly, fly higher than.
[00:00:41] Speaker B: Every single l. Welcome to Relational Trauma sos, a podcast produced by Her Wings Unfold. My name is Jenny Brockbank. I'm your host and I serve as the executive director of Her Wings Unfold. I want to take a moment to welcome listeners tuning in from Osaka, Japan, Pan Tops, Virginia, and San Jose, California, California. It means so much to know that we are connected across different places, united by the desire to understand, to heal, and to rise above relational trauma.
We want to let listeners know that we have a brand new newsletter that carries great information and we don't want you to miss out.
So connect with us and sign up on either herwingsunfold.org or ts12anon.org we invite you to participate in the 10 Strong Wings Campaign where we are asking for just $10 to help women who might be in your community heal from another's destructive behaviors. She needs your support, and so do we.
[email protected] she's learning to breathe in the.
[00:01:58] Speaker A: Light of the day she's rising with strength forged from sorrow and flame she's walking through fire with a heart made of gold she's done being caged and her wings unfold.
[00:02:19] Speaker B: If you're listening to this podcast, you likely know what it's like to live through destructive relationship patterns.
And I'm sending so much empathy to those who relate.
The same hurtful behaviors appear again and again, almost like a loop that feels impossible to escape.
When we're in the middle of those storms, it's hard to understand the patterns that are happening. It's a bit like that famous moment, you know, from the movie Twister, when we hear we've got cows.
Because honestly, who has time to analyze patterns when there are figurative cows flying through the air?
In the chaos, the focus is simply on surviving the moment, hanging on, bracing for impact, waiting for things to calm down.
Only later, when the debris begins to settle, does it become possible to look back and notice, wait a second, this storm isn't random. It follows a cycle or a pattern.
And that's exactly what we at Herwings Unfold, call the cycle of 4A behavior.
I'm going to ask some questions and each of us can kind of evaluate if we relate to them or not.
Will things ever really change?
Or maybe Am I asking for too much?
Am I just making a bigger deal of this than it is?
If I were stronger, could I handle this better?
Or maybe what's wrong with me that I keep ending up here?
Or why do I feel both hope and dread at the same time?
Or if I speak up, will anyone believe me?
Do I even believe myself?
These questions and other similar questions can feel very heavy. They can leave us feeling isolated and powerless.
But the truth is, these patterns are real, and they often follow a predictable path.
Having these sorts of questions does not mean that we are making a mountain out of a molehill. And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with us either.
Destructive patterns are important to see so that we can make informed choices.
So at her wings unfold. We describe this path as the cycle of 4A behavior. And before we move on, I want to pause and say that when sharing the cycle of 4A behavior, people might ask, isn't this just the cycle of abuse with a new name? Or even, why not just call it abuse and leave it at that? And those are fair questions. And the truth is, yes, our model builds on what many already know about cycles of abuse.
But here's the difference.
Not every survivor relates to the word abuse.
Some don't see themselves in that word at all. Or it takes a long time to see if they ever do come to that conclusion.
For instance, I was recently interviewed on the Happily Even after podcast, and the host mentioned that she hadn't seen herself in an abusive marriage until after her marriage was over.
And in my own situation, it took a long time to recognize the abuse and was easier for me to identify it as abuse. Unfortunately, after the abuse escalated, some people might think maybe what happened was abandonment, and maybe it was sexual betrayal. Maybe it was the chaos of addiction. Each of those experiences is destructive, and each can leave deep wounds. And yes, each can have elements of abuse in them.
But if the only language available is abuse, many people don't feel like their story counts or they tune it out because they might not see their situation as that severe. And that's why we talk about four A abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment. It gives space for more people to find themselves in the model. It says, what you experienced matters, what you went through is real, and there was really a power differential that made a difference regardless of the label. These are destructive patterns, and recognizing them is so empowering.
When the cycle becomes clear, it opens up the door to understanding what's happening and making informed choices about the next steps forward.
Another question that sometimes Comes up is whether this risks labeling ordinary relationship struggles as destructive.
And the answer is no.
We're not talking about everyday disagreements or normal conflict that all relationships face.
The cycle of four A behavior is about destructive, repeating patterns that cause harm, the kind that leave people questioning themselves, questioning their worth, Feeling unsafe, or wondering if they'll ever be enough.
And here's what's Once we recognize the cycle, it's easier to see the bigger picture. Instead of blaming ourselves, we can start to name what's happening. And instead of wondering if we're crazy, we can say this is a pattern, and patterns can be broken.
The cycle of Fourier behavior is not about limiting stories, but about expanding them. It gives us language for what's really happening. And that language can be the first step toward healing, Toward empowerment, and toward rising above the cycle.
One of the ways we can picture the cycle of fourier behavior is like a volcano.
Stage one would be tension building.
It's like the pressure building deep inside the earth. At first, it might not look like much on the surface, Just a little rumbling, a bit of heat, or subtle smoke rising.
In relationships, this looks different for everyone.
And a few ways it might manifest when there are destructive patterns Is when maybe criticism grows or there's some unhealthy disconnection that creeps in. And maybe we feel like there's this bubble just beneath the surface.
The pressure keeps building, and even if it's not obvious to everyone watching, we know.
We know that something is coming. We know that something is wrong.
We wait for the other shoe to drop, and oftentimes we walk on eggshells.
For survivors, this is a very tense, stressful, and even traumatizing stage, because we know from experience that something big is building, and that big thing looks like which is our stage two, and that is explosive behaviors. So with.
With a volcano, this would be like an explosion or an eruption, so it bursts, sending out lava, ash, and fire everywhere. So in relationships that have a destructive element, this can look like angry outbursts, an addictive binge, an act of betrayal or abandonment. It can also look like violence and other forms of abuse. It's destructive, it's chaotic, and often leaves behind real damage.
I remember feeling this really huge sense of relief and when the explosive thing happened, Because I knew that what came next was a huge relief. I don't know if you relate with that, but I have heard of some survivors actually kind of pushing people towards that explosion because they knew that what came next was relieving. And next is stage three, which is a sense of fragile Peace. And I say fragile because it's not necessarily prolonged peace. And it's changing, right?
So the peace is the quiet after the eruption. The sky clears, the lava cools, and for a while it almost seems calm again. Maybe there are apologies or gifts or promises or affection, or maybe just silence.
But underneath we know the mountain is still active.
Survivors are aware that the pressure is already beginning to build again.
That's the repeating cycle. Pressure, building eruption, fragile peace. As you hear this, I want to invite you to pause for a moment and consider.
Does this pattern feel familiar in any relationship in your life?
And if so, where do you see yourself right now? Or where is.
Where is the pattern right now? Is this in the building tension stage, or the explosive moment stage? Or the fragile calm that follows? Simply noticing where we are in the cycle can be a powerful first step, because once we see it, we're not as trapped by it.
If this analogy is helpful, we've created a free worksheet for the cycle of for a Behavior on our website.
I'll add a link in the show notes and there's also a blog post about it on herwingsunfold.org Also, if you're working the TS12 and on program, this activity will be listed on the step four inventories under stage two.
Those inventories can be found on TS1 2. On sometimes living through destructive relationship patterns feels a lot like the movie Groundhog Day.
Do you remember that one? Really funny with Bill Murray? He wakes up every morning and it's the exact same day over and over again.
At first, he's completely frustrated, confused, and even hopeless.
He tries everything, ignoring it, fighting it, numbing it. But nothing changes. It's only when he starts to recognize the pattern that things shift.
He begins to understand. Oh, I've been here before.
And once he sees the repetition, he's able to make new choices.
Little by little, those choices transform the way he experiences the day.
And eventually the cycle breaks.
That's what the cycle of Fourier behavior is about. The patterns in destructive relationships can feel chaotic and random, but when we step back, we start to notice. Wait, I've seen this before.
Tension builds. Something explodes, and then comes the fragile piece.
And then it happens all over again.
And here's the hopeful part. Once the cycle is visible, new choices become possible.
Awareness doesn't magically fix everything, but it shines a light on what's happening and gives the power to respond differently.
So maybe the question for today is if this is sounding familiar, where do I see myself in the pattern right now?
And what small choice might shift the story moving forward?
And if it doesn't shift the story, that's okay, because we know we're in Groundhog Day and we'll have more opportunities to figure that out.
One way that this might manifest is for those who are in a domestic violence situation.
And in those situations, it takes somewhere between seven and ten times for women to actually leave the person who's abusing them.
It takes a while, right? It takes a while for them to figure out, how do I get out of this? I don't know about you, but this can be a really triggering and hard subject.
So if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or heavy today, then that's normal. And I can tell for me, I can use some self kindness. What about you?
If it feels helpful, I'll share a meditation that incorporates self compassion and some empowerment too.
[00:15:01] Speaker C: Take a moment to find stillness.
Allow the body to rest in a comfortable position. Position.
Seated or lying down.
This meditation is better if we can be connected to actual ground, or even earth, if possible.
[00:15:25] Speaker B: But if not, that's okay too.
[00:15:29] Speaker C: We'll just notice the breath, the natural rhythm.
Inhale and exhale.
There's nothing to force, just being here, just breathing.
If it feels safe, you can close your eyes. Or maybe just soften your gaze.
Now bring gentle awareness to the heart.
If it feels right, maybe place a hand over your heart.
Let this touch be a reminder of kindness.
Each of us is invited to whisper inwardly.
I can see that this is hard.
What I am feeling. Feeling makes sense.
May I offer myself Kindness in this moment.
Allow compassion to surround the parts of self that feel tired, that feel confused or uncertain.
Now imagine a small bird.
She's a beautiful bird, perched on a branch, feathers tucked close.
She's been watching, waiting, holding still.
At first, her wings stay folded.
They stay tight against her as she loosens. Maybe they feel heavy or unsure.
But little by little, she stretches them open.
One breath, one moment at a time.
For right now, simply opening her wings. Wings is enough.
She looks at her wings.
What color do you imagine her wings to be?
Or colors?
Is there a pattern?
Are they vibrant?
Are they weathered?
Are they ready to take flight?
She reminds herself that she does not need to soar yet.
It will come.
Meanwhile, the wind brushes against her feathers, reminding her, these wings were made to carry me.
Perhaps she hops from branch to branch.
Perhaps she lifts just slightly off the ground.
The soaring will come when she is ready.
And for now, it's enough to trust the wings and to feel the strength beneath them.
Notice how the bird's journey is similar to your own.
Maybe how at times wings stay tucked close in by our sides, or at times they stretch, even if shaky at first, and in time they carry us higher, farther, faster and freer.
You're now invited to whisper inwardly.
My feet are finding steadiness.
I'm gaining strength.
I am learning to rise.
As we come to a close, return again to that compassion, that beautiful self compassion, soft and kind and let's remind ourselves that yes, this is hard and I am not alone.
I am learning to soar.
Take one more deep nourishing breath in.
We're gonna inhale strength.
Going to exhale some fear that may be lingering, maybe anxiety and when we're ready we'll gently open our eyes or return to the present space carrying both compassion and empowerment into the day.
[00:23:01] Speaker A: Whispers in the hallway Secrets in the dark I carried blame that wasn't mine to start Thought if I was stronger maybe they'd stay but they took what they wanted and walked away so I.
[00:23:16] Speaker B: You'Ve been listening to Relational Trauma SOS a Her Wings Unfold production. We hope that you'll join us for a trauma sensitive 12 step group. Find a meeting at ts12anon.org find resources, including our blog and
[email protected] trauma survivors belong here.
